Crazy Cullen Sex Talk
by Love Is Courage Baby
Summary: It all starts off as a harmless sexual education video... But that starts everything off. Blood flavoured condoms? Emmett a male prostitute? Alice and Jasper having sex in Edward's car? Lots of crazy, funny stuff starts to happen.
1. Emmett likes kinky sex

**A/N: This is set after Breaking Dawn, No Nessie though. Bella is a vampire.**

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**Esme's POV**

Looking up from my decorating book, I found my husband with his arms around me.

"What are you planning on decorating now?" Carlisle chuckled. "I was thinking about doing the lounge room differently. I want to move the lounge on the north wall." Carlisle laughed again, "I can help you with that my love." He unwrapped his arms from me and took my hand, helping me get up. With one push, he pushed the lounge so it was now on the north wall. And then something changed, his eyes stared at the floor, for where the lounge had just been. I moved so I was standing next to him, and that's when I saw it. A pair of bear fur hand cuffs and a row of condoms, _Blood_ flavoured condoms.

"EMMETT, ROSALIE GET DOWN HERE NOW!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, how many times had I told them too not do sexual things in places other then their bedroom. Emmett came running down the stairs with Rosalie in tow. "What's with all the yelling Esme?" Rosalie said, she had obviously no idea what was goin on, maybe it was all Emmetts idea. I shuddered at that thought, I didn't what to know my what my son got up to in his private time. Carlisle picked up the _items_ and held them up.

Rosalie suddenly slapped Emmett, "You promised that you would put them away!" "I thought I did!….. Oh wait that was the day when I played Xbox with Jasper…" Rosalie just stared at him. "Okay I don't care who was supposed to put them away, you all know the rules, no sex in any part of this house except your bedrooms." I said with a sigh. The last time something had happened like this I banned them from the house, they just ended up destroying half the forest instead. Carlisle spoke next, we had discussed about what we should do if this situation repeated it self, a sex education lesson. "Now you remember what the punishment is for ignoring our rules on a subject like this, you all have to watch a sexual education video. Good luck telling everyone."

"Oh man!" Emmett groaned, and ran outside with Rosalie. I turned to my husband, "I think tonight will be interesting, I'll go get everything set up." I kissed him goodbye and ran to his study.

**Edwards POV**

I had just heard Esmes thoughts, _Great_ another sex talk. We are all adults but still Esme and Carlisle insist on having this talk. Bella and I were more responsible when it came this mater than Emmett and Rosalie, but we still had to endure it.

I walked back to our cottage, to find Bella reading _Weathering Heights_ again, she must have read it so many times that she has the words memorised. I grabbed her by the waste and held her in my arms. "I missed you" she said against my neck. "I missed you too love." I gave her a quick kiss, I could hear Esme was ready for the talk. I sighed, "Esme and Carlisle want us to all watch a sexual education tape." She rolled her eyes, "Emmett and Rose again?" I laughed, "Yes, unless you have some bear fur hand cuffs I don't know about?" She laughed as well, "Defiantly not. Okay lets get going."

I took her hand and we ran to the house. Once in the lounge room we found a projector and 8 chairs. Bella and I took our seats, we were shortly met with everyone else. _Stupid Emmett and his sexual games_, Alice thought. _Emmetts so dead,_ Jasper thought. I sighed, sometimes I wish I could block there thoughts out, I didn't want to know what they would be thinking when watching this tape. The video started, on screen there was a picture of a human male, Emmett suddenly laughed. We all turned to look at him for an exclamation. I could hear what he thought was so funny, I just closed my eyes and turned away. This was going to be a _long_ night."What's so funny Emmett?" Esme asked. Emmett laughed again, "Look at the size of his dic-" "EMMETT!" This time it was Carlisle who spoke. "What, im just sayin its so small, compared to mine anyway." _Please god let this end… _"And look at the size of that chicks ti-" "EMMETT!" everyone yelled this time. _Their was no god, this must be hell. Or at least it seemed that way._

"Emmett Cullen, you sit quietly and watch this tape!" Esme yelled. Emmett sighed, "whatever you say mom."

The tape ended, it had been on for 1 hour, but it seemed more like a decade. Emmett laughed constantly all the way through.

Carlisle stood up with Esme next to him. "Now do any of you have any questions?" _Oh dear god! Could this get any worse!_

Emmett started to bounce up and down with his hand up in the air. I groaned, I knew what he was going to ask, this day truly couldn't get any worse. "Yes Emmett?" Carlisle asked, intrigued to know his question. He would soon wish he hadn't done this.

Emmett stood up, I buried my face into my hands. "Okay I wanted to know if you have ever used toys?" Carlisles thoughts said what his expression would look like, sheer horror. "I will not answer that!" He said loudly, still shocked by the question. "Fine can I ask another one?" Emmett asked, hopeful. His next question was just as bad. "Of course, as long as it has nothing to do with _toys._" Esme said sounding embarrassed. "Do you ever use dress ups?" "EMMETT!" everyone yelled. I lifted my head to see everyone's reactions, Alice and Jasper looked irritated. Bella looked uncomfortable, Emmett looked happy with himself. Rosalie murmured "Idiot" and Esme and Carlisle looked disgusted. "No questions about stuff like that!" Carlisle said, still looking horrified. "Can I ask just one more?" Emmett pleaded. _No no no TELL HIM NO! _Please don't let him ask the question, its 10x worse than the others.

"Okay, what's your favourite position?" Everyone just stared at him and walked away. "Hey! that's not fair your promised to answer it!' Emmett called after us.

Bella and I walked home in silence, what a crazy family we had. 'I don't think I can walk back into that house without having flash backs of the horror we just had." Bella laughed. "Tell me about it, you would be horrified at what they were all thinking."

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**Okay I hoped you liked it!!!! Thanks for reading, please review! xoxoxox**


	2. Dress up and Role Play

**Carlisle's POV**

I ran to my study to get away from Emmett before he asked anymore _questions._

My dear wife was right behind me, I slowed and took her hand. Once we were in my office I sat down and Esme came and sat on my lap. "Well that was…..interesting" Esme said with a giggle. "You took the words right out of my mouth, my dear." I smiled and kissed her head.

She sighed and said, "I still think we need to have a good chat with them, maybe if we do it so I talk to the girls and you talk to the boys?" That sounded better, at least if Emmett started to talk about _toys_ again I could handle it better. "Very good my love, we better talk to them now though, we don't want any of them sneaking out."

Esme hopped of my lap and ran down stairs, I heard her call Rosalie, Bella and Alice. I squared my shoulders and called Edward, Emmett and Jasper. They all appeared in my door a second later. "I want you all to sit please, instead of talking to you all in a group we have decided that I will talk too you three and Esme will talk to the ladies."

They all sat down, Edward groaned.

"Now before be start, Emmett do you have any questions?" Emmetts eyes light up with excitement, "What's your favourite position?"

I sighed, "Your not going to give up until you know, will you?" Emmetts grin grew bigger. "Fine, I like Esme on top." I sighed, Edward groaned and I think I heard Jasper gag….."Do you ever dress up and use role play?" Emmett asked, I groaned and I thought about the costumes we used….. Suddenly Edward leapt out of his chair, _no no no! I forgot he could read my thoughts. _

Emmett and Jasper got out of there chairs as well, they started to go through my draws. Suddenly Emmett started laughing, he must have found the right draw.

**Emmetts POV**

I held up a "Doctor and Nurse" outfit and I started laughing. I cant believe Carlisle and Esme do role play. I pulled my clothes off and put the nurse outfit on and ran down stairs. I saw that the girls where having a conversation about condoms. I ran up to them and posed. "Oh Carlisle come service me!" (**A/N: lmao**) The look on Esmes face pushed me over the edge, I couldn't control myself from laughing. Bella and Rosalie looked shocked and Alice just rolled her eyes. Then someone hit into me, Carlisle I guessed.

I turned around to see Jasper and Edward at foot of the stairs laughing at me, and Carlisle who looked beyond angry. I wonder what my punishment for this would be, a spanking maybe? Edward burst out laughing, I always forget that he can read my mind.

Carlisle let go of me and ran into the living room and back again, holing my new Xbox 360. Possibly the best game in the world! And then he pushed his hands together, crushing it. My beloved Xbox was destroyed. I felt like I was going to cry and I fell to the floor. Everyone looked at Jasper, "Im not doing that too him!" he sounded like he was telling the truth, which he was. I had just 4 new games for it! I got up from my knees and ran to my room, slamming the door behind.

**Esmes POV**

I stood there shocked for a moment, Emmett was going to pay for that later. I turned back to the girls and sat down. "As I was saying condoms are still good to use. Any questions?" Alice put her hand up, "Do you really use that nurses costume with Carlisle?" she said with a giggle. I glowered at her, "I refuse to answer that."

Alice sighed, "how about I tell you a secret and then you answer me? Jasper likes it when I dress up like a school girl." Oh dear god, what have I gotten myself into?

I turned to see that Bella and Rosalie had left, Alice was still sitting there waiting for me to answer. "Im not telling you." I murmured and walked away.

**Bella's POV**

Oh my god…what just happened? I mean I just saw Emmett in a skimpy nurse outfit. I had been hiding in my car for the last 5 minutes trying to figure out what happened.

I decided to go into Port Angelas, and hopefully get everything that had happened today out of my mind. I pulled out of the drive and saw Emmett getting into his Jeep and Jasper joining him. I sighed, what where they up to now? I pushed my foot hard on the gas.

Once in town I pulled into the car park of the mall and pulled my cell out. I called Edward, he would be worrying where I was. I explained that I needed to get out of the house, away from all the craziness. Edward started to say something but I saw Emmett pull up in his Jeep down the road. I groaned when I saw what shop they where going in. _Kinky Pleasure_. For a moment I forgot that I was still on the phone to Edward, "Bella are you okay?"

"Yeah im fine…. I was saw your brothers walk into a sex shop."

"Oh dear god, what are they up to now?"

I sighed, "I have no idea, but im going to get a closer look. I wont be home late, I love you."

"Love you too." I hung up and got out of my car. I walked over to the shop, suddenly embarrassed to go in. I took a deep breath and walked in.

I saw Emmett and Jasper looking at costumes. Emmett had put a lacy top, that was still on the hanger, over his neck and gesturing that he had boobs. I couldn't control my laughter when Jasper put a sailor hat on. I took my cell out quickly and took a photo. They both turned and looked at me…….. They ran at me at a human speed, only because the shop keeper was near them, and as I ran out the door an alarm went off. I guessed the lacy garment Emmett was still wearing had a security tag on it. I got into my car and hit the gas.

I was laughing all the way home, I couldn't wait to show everyone the photo I had taken. I parked my car and ran to the house. I found the cord for my cell and plugged it into the projector, where the photo I had taken was in full view for everyone to see. "Edward, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Rosalie" I called. Everyone came in within seconds of each other. "This is what I caught Emmett and Jasper doing this after noon……" Everyone burst into laughter. But suddenly everyone was quite, the front door opened. There stood Emmett and Jasper looking at me……… I unplugged my phone quickly and started to walk to Edward. "Give me the phone, little sister" Emmett said with eager expression on his face, like he knew I would give in. This photo was _Gold! _There was no way I would give it to them. "No, thank you big brother." I smirked back.

Suddenly Jasper was in front of me. "This can be easy or it can be hard, Bella"

I pulled my cell out of my jacket pocket and held it out, "Fine" I murmured handing it to them. They just didn't know that the phone I handed them was Edwards, and that I had swapped them….leaving me with the picture…….

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**Hope you all liked it!!! Thanks a lot for reading it! Please Review!!! xoxoxox**


	3. Sex Education RUN!

**A/N: First off all I just want to thank all my readers! Your support and kind words have took me by surprise and im absolutely over the moon. Your encouragement has given me hope that I can continue to write FF stories, and maybe in the future be able to full fill my dream, too publish a novel.**

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**Esme's POV: 3 weeks later**

"Everyone sit down NOW!" I almost growled at them. I had absolutely enough of all the sexual jokes they had been saying the last couple of weeks. Carlisle had gotten a good yell at the other week, for telling our _perverted _children about our sex life.

But this wasn't about the sexual jokes or the sleazy things Emmett had been saying. This was about the photos that had ended up in town, humiliating our Entire family!

Everyone sat in the kitchen waiting for me to speak, I tried to calm myself but it didn't work. "I want to know WHO put these photos in town? And don't even think of lying because Edward will be listening." They all just stared at me. "You have 3 minutes!"

Jasper stood up, "Bella was the one who took the photo." Bella slapped him, "Yeah but I deleted the photo! I did honestly Esme." I sighed, I knew it wouldn't be Bella, she was never able to lie, even as a Vampire. "I know you didn't sweetheart". Three minutes passed and no one had come forward.

I stood up, "You had your time to come forward but now you ALL have to endure your punishment. You all have to watch a 2 hour _Graphic _sexual education video, _then _discuss any questions and thoughts you have." Ha that will teach them to lie to me. They all just stared at me with there mouths wide open, except for Alice and Edward who would have known before I had spoken.

**Emmetts POV: 1 hour later….. Sexual Education Time! *RUN***

I cant believe Esme is making us do this! Its going to a very long afternoon, I could be playing my Xbox right now……. I went and sat in front of the projector waiting for boredom to hit over me. Everyone took there seats, and the video started……

_Omg this dudes dick is smaller than the other guys! Hahahaha._

**Edwards POV**

_Kill me now, kill me NOW!!!!!!!!!!! _How could two hours seem _so_ long?! It made it even worse with the perverted things my brothers and sisters where thinking.

The movie stopped then, to my relief. Esme ran back into the room and turned the lights on. "Now you all have to discuss any questions and thoughts. Emmett please start." _EMMETT FIRST? _oh dear god! Esme ran back out and we all turned to Emmett, who was looking awfully smug. "I just wanted to get something off my chest…" and then he turned to me,

"I thought Eddy boy was gay, since he had never fuc-"

"EMMETT!" Bella yelled

"What? Everyone thought it as well…."

Rosalie talked next "Yeah Alice even said we should even get you some gay porn and a dil-" Alice slapped Rose's head before she could finish, to my relief…though I could hear the conversation in my head…..they we all thinking of it….I even heard Carlisle laugh from the other room.

"Hey do you remember the conversation Carlisle had with you? It was the most hilarious thing ever!" Jasper looked at me. "That was meant to be a _private _conversation" I snapped back. Emmetts expression became evil, "Yeah like we were going to miss that, I can still remember the look on your face when Carlisle said: "_I understand that the... urges you feel are probably strong--" _hahaha its still funny!"

"Its only funny too you"

"And everyone else."

I just rolled my eyes, the tormenting didn't stop once he stoped talking, his thoughts where mocking.

Rosalie suddenly started to laugh, "oh my god, remember the other talk you had with Carlisle! "_Perhaps I could give you a few pointers... you know, about... Technique. I'm quite experienced, you know. A wealth of information_…" she hollered with laughter.

I buried my head into my hands, _KILL ME NOW!!!!_

Alice spoke next, hopefully she will help me. But she was blocking me from her thoughts, doing the alphabet backwards. "And remember the talk we had with Bella before her wedding!" Bella suddenly shot her a dirty look and tackled her………

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_**Hope you all enjoyed it! I had lots of fun writing it. I will might continue! Review please!! Xoxoxxxoxox **_


	4. Revenge

**Jasper POV**

Alice and Bella where on the floor slapping each other…. Bella's emotion was anger and Alice's was……happy? I sighed, the emotions females felts at times never made any sense too me.

"Does anyone wish to stop them?" Edward said, he looked like he was bored.

"Hell no! lets throw some jelo on them!" I rolled my eyes, of course Emmett would find this amusing and arousing. I had to laugh at the way Alice was giving Bella _dainty _slaps.

I decided to watch for a moment, before I decided to change there emotions. Alice finally got Bella's hand away from her mouth, and yelled "Bella got a lap dance on her Bachelorette party!" All I could feel now was Anger. I decided it was time to change their emotions.

Calmness swept over them, making Bella get off Alice and sit next too Edward. Changing there emotions didn't last long, Bella was suddenly furious again. "Alice was swinging on the poles like a stripper!" I sighed now Alice and Bella where furious. "ROSALIE PAYED ME TOO!" Alice screamed……..

**Esme's POV**

_What are they yelling at?! _I could hear them from my bedroom.

I ran down stairs too find Alice, Bella and Rosalie pulling each others hair! "Stop it! All of you!" I managed to free Alice from Rosalie. "I leave you alone for 20 minutes and I find you attacking each other!" I turned to my sons, who looked very pleased with them selves. "Don't think your not in trouble, you could have stopped them!"

"Sorry Esme" they all murmured, they better hope I feel generous with their punishment. "Now tell me, why are you girls fighting?" They all looked away. "Alice?" she sighed, "I told everyone that Bella got a lap dance on her bachelorette party And then Bella said I was riding the poles like a stripper, Then I said that Rosalie payed me too." I just stared at them, what had become of my children? Lap dances? Riding poles? I sighed, I really don't want to know what they got up too.

**Rosalie's POV**

_Stupid Bella and Alice, trying to get in in trouble. I'll show them….._

**Emmett's POV**

_Oh man that was hilarious! Why did Esme have to make them stop!? Hmmm im going to have to get away from everyone to have some alone time with Rose…….that fight really turned me on…._

**Alice's POV**

_I cant believe I just said that….. And I cant believe my dear sister tackled me. But I guess I know how she feels. When she told everyone what I had done I was angry…_

**Jasper's POV**

Calm…..calm……calm……!!!! Im going to teach them all a lesson soon… they better keep one eye open at all times, because when they least expect it, ill be there!

**Edward's POV**

_Ugh! I wish for once that they could keep there thoughts to themselves…….._

**Esme's POV**

"Okay all of you are going to be punished _once again._" I stared into the faces off my normally well behaved children, why where they acting up so much lately? Maybe we all needed to have a bonding session? Get away from distractions, maybe go on a camping trip? I know! We could go away too Mountain.

Edward cleared his throat, "There is _no way _im going along with that plan, sorry Esme."

"Too bad, im your mother and you will do as I say."

"But a family _bonding _camping trip?"

"I think it's a good idea." Carlisle said, not knowing when he had entered.

"Thank you dear. Anyone else have any objections?" It pleased me too see that no one objected. This would be fun! I better start planning.

**Bella's POV**

"I hope your happy everyone, now we have to endure a 3 day camping trip. With _Bonding"_ Emmett put his head in his hands, as if this was going to be a bad thing. I thought it was a good idea, we had all been fighting the last couple of weeks.

Who knew, hopefully this would work………………I hope.

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**Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it. I will be continuing onto Chapter 5 :D xoxoxxxoxox**


	5. Camping

**Esme's POV: Camping Time**

"Lets go! I didn't do all that research and planning for you too mess it up!" My children were still upset that I was making the go camping, but I was hoping that it would do some good. 3 days of family bonding, I was looking forward too it.

I had organised games and activities, Emmett had made lots of inappropriate suggestions, like the girls doing mud wrestling in bikinis. I sighed, Emmett always had to say what was on his mind, he couldn't just keep it to himself.

I went out to garage, we were planning on taking 3 cars. Emmett's Jeep, Carlisle's Car and Edward's Volvo.

One by one they came into the garage, with glum faces. Bella had to drag Edward to his car, he didn't look happy.

"Come on! This is going to be fun!" I said trying to enlighten there moods. "Whatever you say Esme." they all murmured.

You'd think I was making them clean the house!

I got my map and showed them the root, I didn't want them getting "Lost"

**Edward's POV**

The torture started once we were in the car. Bella was reading so that left me nothing too do but stare at the road.

The drive to the mountain was just over an hour, which I could make in 45 minutes if I pushed the speed limit.

"This is going to be fun! Lighten up Edward." Bella said, sounding awfully enthusiastic.

"Yes your right, im sorry. Its just that Emmett's thoughts are starting to really get on my nerves."

"Its okay, so what does Esme have planned?"

None of them really had any idea what Esme had planned. It wasn't just going to be fun and games…..

"Lots of water activities, hiking, _cliff diving…._" I turned to Bella with a smug look.

"_Cliff Diving?_"

"Yeah."

"Okay….. I love you." Bella turned so she was facing me, she was smiling so sweetly.

"As I love you. I think it will be nice for us to get away. Its our first vacation with you being a vamp- Oh for the love of god!"

"What?" she stared at me confused.

"Jasper bought Alice a _Red Bull_……"

"Oh my god, she's going to be extra hyper."

"She's already hyper and she has had only a few sips."

We pulled up to the camp sight, to find Emmett and Jasper trying to stop Alice from bouncing up and down. Sugar and Caffeine are defiantly not thing that works well for Alice.

Jasper suddenly snapped his head back, Alice's emotions must be very strong. Now they were both jumping up and down together, holding hands.

"I wanna play! Change my emotions!!!" Emmett yelled….. He started jumping up and down with them.

I sighed, this was going to be a holiday from hell.

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**Esme's POV**

Emmett, Carlisle, Rosalie, Bella & Jasper Had no idea what was coming to them, Alice knew all along, and I had slipped up with Edward.

Another long talk about Respecting each other.

I had chosen this mountain range very carefully, I wanted to pick somewhere that everyone wouldn't get suspicious about.

The tents where up quickly, and everything was where it was supposed to be.

I looked around, we were surrounded by water, lush green trees, chirping birds, flow- _Emmett, Jasper and Alice holding hands and dancing in a circle….._

I sat next to my loving husband -- who was reading a thick medical journal -- and I shut my eyes, trying to think what to say to them. I knew they wouldn't be happy once they found out what my plan is.

Time passed and I had thought out what I was going to say. I opened my eyes and found Alice lying on the floor with jasper next to her -- they were making "Sand angels" -- They were giggling.

I turned my head to find Emmett and Rosalie….._occupied….._in there tent.

I couldn't see Edward and Bella anywhere, but I could here them, Edward had slipt up, and told Bella my plan. She wasn't very impressed.

I got up and walked to the camp fire. "Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward, Bella." They all came running quickly, Alice and Edward looked awfully smug, they obviously liked being the only ones who knew.

"Yes Esme, dear?" Carlisle said, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Now you all think I brought you here for bonding. Which is true, _but, _I wanted us all to _talk. _I want each of you to say something, that is on your mind. I know we have tried this before, but im hoping that you take it seriously this time."

Almost all of them looked at me, shocked. Carlisle had moved his arm, it was now folded across his chest. I hated having too lie to him, but I really wanted to do this, and I knew he wouldn't approve.

"Thanks a lot Esme" They all mumbled.

I told them to sit, they were all on the ground. I had made Alice, Rosalie and Bella sit away from each other, I didn't want to pull them off each other again.

"Rosalie I want you to go first." She smiled smugly at me.

"Okay. I just wanted everyone to know that. Alice payed for Bella to get a lap dance on her bacherlorette party then she ran to the restroom and came back wearing a skirt, that cut just above her _thigh _and a tank top -- that slipped down on more than two occasions -- when she wasacting like a stripper."

I just glared at her, my daughters weren't so _sweet _as I had once thought.

Jasper turned to Alice, "You never act like a stripper when I ask you too." he whispered. _Oh dear god._

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	6. Bachelorette Parties

**Alice's POV**

_That bitch! I cant believe she told everyone, especially Jasper, who has been begging me for months to act like a stripper…. But no, she cant keep it to herself. _

_I'll show her…_

I turned to my _dear _sister Rosalie, "Well since you shared what happened on Bella's bacherlorette party, we might as well tell everyone what you did on yours!" I said smugly, I knew she wouldn't react well to that.

"You wouldn't." She eyed me.

"Try Me."

"Fine! Go ahead, ill just tell everyone what you did on yours."

"Sure sure, but at least _I_ didn't take my top off and dance on a table!"

Esme put her head in her hands, Bella looked horrified, Edward rolled his eyes, and Emmett…. Well he looked turned on…..I sighed. He was such a deviant when it comes to sex.

Rosalie turned to me, she had a evil grin on her face. "Well thank _you_ for that Alice. Since you tole everyone what I got up to I think its only fair that they know what you did."

"Fine, everyone knows what I did anyway."

"Do they know what you did on your _1__st_bacherlorette party?"

No!!! no! she cant tell them that!

"What did she do Rosalie?" Edward said, _damn it! _I forgot he can read my mind!

"Alice, Esme and myself went too a strip club in LA….."

"You went to a strip club?" This was Carlisle who spoke.

"Thanks a lot Rosalie." Esme groaned.

"Anyway we were at a strip club and decided to give every human male a lap dance. Then she got so hyper that she got asked too leave, She refused and a security guard had to take her out. Alice kicked up a huge fight and ended up in a cell for the night."

I groaned, everyone was staring at me. I didn't really care what the others thought, I only cared what Jasper thought.

I turned to my husband, hoping for forgiveness. But he was just smiling at me.

"Im really sorry honey, I would have told you but I know hoe worried you get."

"Its fine. I can feel how guilty you feel."

I looked up into his eyes, he had already forgiven me.

"Well I think its only fair that everyone hears what _Emmett _got up to on his bachelor party!" That will show Rosalie, she had no idea what he did.

I had a vision on the night of Emmett's bachelor party, I knew exactly what he planned and what he did. Rosalie would be furious once she knew.

"Emmett, Jasper and Edward went to Port Angelas for the night and Emmett thought it would be hilarious if the went to a sex shop. He tried on crotch less underwear and --" I had to stop myself from laughing.

"And he tried on a thong and turned on all the vibrates before they got kicked out. Later that night they went to Wal-Mart. Edward and Jasper dared him to put on woman's underwear, put on a cape, and run around the store screaming "Im batman! Off to the bat mobile!" He got arrested, and banned form the store." I giggled. Everyone stared at me, then at Emmett.

Rosalie was furious of course, whenever Em did something stupid she thought it was just to embarrass her….. She was so shallow at times.

"Edward got a boner when he got a lap dance!" I burst out laughing at what Emmett had said. I wasn't the only one who laughed, almost everyone did.

Edward face was classic! He looked horrified. He suddenly growled and yelled "Emmett posted pornographic pictures on Rosalie online!"

"You BASTERD!" then Emmett lunged for Edward…….

**Rosalie's POV**

_That PIG! Im going to kill him! _Edward and Emmett were rolling on the floor, tackling each other.

I stood up, and screamed. "EMMETT CULLEN! Stop fighting like a girl and get over here and explain yourself NOW!" They all stared at me shocked.

I dragged him off to our tent. He was going to wish he was never born!

**Esme's POV**

I heard yelling from every direction. _What had I done?!_

I never knew my _children _were so perverted! I went back to our tent, hoping to block out the yelling.

"ESME! Come here now!" they all yelled at me…… Instead of myself giving the yelling it was my family.

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**Thanks for reading! Too be continued :D Wont be long for the next chapter. Please review! **

**Bec xoxoxox**


	7. Esme learns her lesson

**Esme's POV**

Oh dear god, what are they going to do to me? I got up and went outside, they were all standing together, waiting for me. Rosalie was next to Edward, away from Emmett.

"Yes my sweet, loving and most of all _forgiving _children?" I said as innocently as I could.

"Were not listening to you again, I hope you know that." Jasper said.

"Im truly sorry, I did not think things would get so out of hand. I have learnt my lesson and I wont do it again."

"Don't think your getting off that easy." Edward said, looking awfully smug.

_Fine, what's my punishment then Edward? _I didn't bother talking aloud, they all knew the plan.

"Your going to tell us whatever we want to know. Will you comply with that?"

"Yes, I can."

"Great, then lets go sit down and begin out questions."

"Just one thing, where's your father?"

"He got called to the hospital, and he didn't really want to be part of this."

_Lucky son of a b--_

**Rosalie's POV: 4 minutes earlier**

"Your DEAD Emmett Cullen!! You understand that don't you!?" I stared and him

"Yes Rosalie. I know."

How _dare _he put photographs of me on the internet?! Was he insane? Did he not understand that I would kill him?

"Your punishment will be HUGE you know."

"I know. What is it?" he sighed loudly

"No sex for 2 weeks." That will show him

He stared at me, his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Oh yes it is"

"IT IS NOT!"

"Emmett im not having this conversation with you! Im so embarrassed! Tell me one little thing. _Which _photos did you put online?"

"Ummm…… errr…..um….." he spluttered

"Oh just SPIT it out Emmett!"

"The ones of you in the bear cub outfit….." he whispered

"WHAT!? HOW COULD YOU USE THOSE!?!?! IM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"err Rose shouldn't we deal with Esme first?"

"FINE!" I stalked off, so angry I could scream.

**Alice's POV**

_Esme is so dead! She's going to wish she never brought us out here!_

"Okay Esme I have a question. What's your favourite position?" I smiled smugly, this is going to be so much fun!

"I don't have a choice but to answer do I?" she said sighing.

"Nope."

"Fine, I like to be on top…."

"Same as Carlisle…" Emmett murmured

"He told you that!?"

"err no?" Emmett looked down.

"Emmett your turn." I said and gestured to him.

He had a huge grin on his face, he was really going to enjoy this.

"Okay so I just wanna know what's your favourite prop….."

Esme groaned and put her face in her hands. "hand cuffs." she murmured.

I giggled loudly, I couldn't stop until I suddenly felt calm, Jasper.

"Thanks honey" I said smiling at him. We never fought today, unlike Emmett and Rosalie -- who I could hear bickering now and then -- and even Bella and Edward had fought, which was a surprising event since they never fight.

It was Jasper's turn next. "Were you the ones who made that huge gaping whole in the forest?" Jasper and I had gone hunting and found a huge patch of knocked down trees, we had suspicions it was Carlisle and Esme because they were very awkward when we asked them about it.

Esme still had her head in her hands, she just nodded. Wow her and Carlisle were almost as bad as Emmett and Rosalie. They had knocked down half of the house at one point.

**Rosalie** was up next. "Do you do strip tease?" Esme just nodded.

It was now Edwards turn, "I don't have anything to ask, im already scared by this."

I turned to Bella, "Me either." she looked embarrassed, if she was able to, she would be blushing.

"So have you learnt your lesson, Esme?" I said trying not to giggle.

"Yes, I will never talk you about sex again. Your all obviously already too perverted for my help."

Then we packed up our things and went home.

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**Thanks for reading! I hope you have enjoyed it.**

**Please review…..possible continuation in the next couple of days…. So check back! **

**Bec xoxoxox **


	8. Biting Balls

**Esme's POV**

_This is totally unnecessary……. _I thought to myself, looking at Edward.

They had made me ride with them on the way home and then they were planning on giving me and Carlisle a…..sexual education lesson. _My god this is going to be terrible._

"You asked for it Esme…." Edward was looking innocent. What was he up to? And most of all what where they _all _up to….

**Later That Night.**

I was sitting in the living room reading when my children approached me.

"Esme. Its time for your punishment!" Jasper was smirking.

He took my hand and led me too to Carlisle's study.

Emmett And Rosalie were standing in the middle of the room, wearing a teachers outfit. There were two chairs, one for me and one for Carlisle.

"Carlisle! Get your butt in here now!" Emmett screamed, and then told me to sit. Rosalie was giggling.

My husband came in the room not looking impressed.

Emmett and Rose suddenly became smug, I wonder what they had planned.

"Okay Mother, Father. Where going to learn how to put condoms on." He laughed.

_Oh my god….._

"Here you go." Rose handed us a banana each and two condoms.

"Now this is how you put it on properly…." Emmett grabbed a condom and pulled it onto the banana…..

I heard muffled laughter from outside the door….

"Go away you noisy children." I mumbled.

"it's a free country! You cant tell us what to do."

I let a growl come from my chest, which made Carlisle look at me strangely.

"Don't you start as well."

"I wasn't going to my dear."

When I was unable to get the condom on, everyone came into the room.

Rosalie was giggling at me and also glaring.

"Hahah! Esme cant even get a condom on a banana! How the hell is she supposed to get it on carli-"

"Emmett!" I yelled, and I slapped him on the head.

"Hey! That hurt."

"no it didn't."

**20 Minutes Later.**

We were informed about the plan. My children would be in groups and talk to Carlisle and Myself.

Next it was Bella and Edward's turn, I was hoping that this would not be as embarrassing.

This time the conversation was in Edward and Bella's cottage, meaning no escape.

Carlisle and I ran over to there cottage, hand in hand. "What do you think they are going to talk to us about?"

"Properly something terrible. You know Esme, my dear. This is somewhat your fault."

I stopped walking and stared at him.

"What? Im just stating the obvious."

"Thanks for sticking up for me. Its not my fault our children are so perverted."

We were about 2 miles from the cottage when I heard something. Something a mother should never hear.

".God." I groaned. "Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes I think it is. Bella & Edward are becoming like Emmett and Rosalie."

"They know were coming. You would think they would not do _that _when there expecting company."

"Well one good thing is that we don't have to suffer the conversation, at least not for a while."

I sighed and turned around from the perverted noises coming from there cottage.

"That is true."

**Bella's POV: 1 hour later…back at the house.**

I walked into the living room to find everyone staring at me. My eyes narrowed, "What's going on guys?" I asked suspiciously.

"Nothing Bella." Alice said, I could tell she was trying not to laugh.

"Yeah nothing Bells. Did you have fun teaching Edward?" Emmett snickered.

OH DEAR GOD! If I could blush, I would look like a tomato. I tried to compose myself, but I could tell the look on my face didn't change, everyone was laughing now, even Esme.

The monster inside me took over, I don't know how it happened but I was suddenly Angry.

I tried to stay calm…. "Now, why don't you all pansy's mind your FUC-"

Then I was tackled.

"Get the hell off me!" I screamed and kicked my legs, I was pinned to the ground. I turned around to find Edward on top of me.

Emmett laughed, "Hey look, Bella and Edward are going for round two!"

Edward got off me and he was in Em's face. I pushed my way pass Edward and I was looking eye to eye with Emmett.

I then knocked him over and bit his……

**Alice's POV:**

I was on the floor laughing. Jasper was beside me doing the same.

"SHE BIT MY BALLS!" Emmett screamed. That only pushed me over the edge. I was laughing before anyone else, I had foreseen what Bella was about to do.

"Your lucky she didn't rip off your balls." Jasper laughed.

"BUT SHE BIT MY FUCKING BALLS! It hurts!!" Then Emmett was holding his groin, he looked like he was going to piss himself.

Edward was trying to calm Bella down, he wasn't doing a very good job. "Jazzy….Wazzy…." I said in between giggles. "Can you go help Edward?"

"Sure."

Bella was suddenly calm….maybe a little too calm. She was clinging to Edward, her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

I turned to Jazz. "That wasn't the kind of help I meant."

Jazz Laughed, "Oh I know. I just wanted to have some fun of my own."

**Carlisle's POV 2 Days Later**

Everything was back to normal. We were eventually given our _talks._ I had the embarrassing task of checking the damage Bella did to Emmett's _testicles. _Bella had bitten write threw, I was quite impressed. Wow….that sounded very disturbing…..

The conversation with Bella and Edward were terrible at giving us the talk. They were constantly giggling.

"Now this is the best position….." They showed us on the tv….. It was two stick figures with Esme and myself face, stuck on.

The conversation with Alice and Jasper was hilarious. Even I had to admit in.

Alice was trying to show us props and Jasper was constantly changing Alice's emotions.

In the end she was wearing one of the "vampire" - plastic fangs, gold medallion and a cape - costume.

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**YAY! I **_**finally **_**got this chapter finished!! Please review!**

**You should all know I wont be coming back to this for a while (2-3 weeks top)**

**xxx**


	9. Horny Emmett Part 1

**A/N: Eh… cant be bothered saying it now… read below when your finished lol**

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**Emmett's POV:**

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"C'mon Rosie!! Please!" I was on my hands and knees begging. BEGGING! And she still wouldn't remove the "No sex" ban. It was getting ridiculous. I was so horny! I hadn't had sex in 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks! Im starting to get worried about my health… I hope my balls don't explode from lack of use…..

"Emmett. Would. You. Please. Stop. Thinking. About. _That."_ Eddy growled.

Hmmm he has been awfully moody lately… I wonder if he's PMS-ing…

"No Emmett."

Moody because your not getting laid?

"No."

Balls exploded from lack of use?

"Shut up EMMETT!" Edward yelled, before stalking out of the room.

I was still on my knees begging, in the living room. Rosalie was watching some stupid chick flick… then I got an idea…. Maybe that will work….

I went onto the sofa, next to Rose. Then I put my hand on her thigh…. Then every so slowly slid it up….

Then she bit me.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" I screamed. Stupid Rosalie…. She bit me. BIT ME! Its okay when she does that during foreplay but not like that!… stupid venom stings like shit….

"Emmett Cullen. How many times have I told you. NO SEX!" Rosalie yelled. Fuck her. Man…would I like to do that….

"EMMETT FUCKING CULLEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Edward yelled. Damn. I have never heard him swear before.

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**Jasper's POV: That afternoon.**

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"Alice, its your turn." I said, looking at my beautiful pixie-like wife. I was the only one who would play chess with her. Of course I only did it because no one did, they didn't like playing because Alice could foresee the move they would make. And it made her happy, so it made me happy.

"Oh Jazzy Wazzy!" Emmett called, from upstairs.

"Your gonna love this…." Alice murmured.

"Oh Really. Would you care to give me a heads up?"

"Nope. It will be more funnier this way." She smirked.

Suddenly Emmett came bounding into the room. And in that instant, I was hit with a mass wave of lust.

"Damn Emmett! How horny are you!?" I managed to fall out of my chair at the strength of his lust.

"Its Rosalie's fault….Anyway… I want _you _to help me."

"Err Em…. I don't turn that way…." As soon as that was said, Alice burst out laughing.

"Ewww! I didn't mean it that way. Jeez they say im the worst."

"You are the worst one. Anyway, how do you want me to _help you_?" I asked suspiciously.

"Make Rosalie Horny. PLEASE!!!" Now he was begging.

"Errr Umm….." I stuttered looking at Alice."

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**MWHAHAHA! I know im so so evil! But im leaving it there **_**because…. **_**Now im so great full at how many reviews I have gotten for this story, I didn't think anyone would like it…. But I have had 9993 Views (that's fucking insane!) and only 115 reviews… so if you guys could step up the reviews I promise to get the next chapter up faster…and it will be LONGER!! Now don't hate me please! I love you all!**


	10. Horny Emmett Part 2

**A/N oooooh I forgot to credit, Ivy O'Hara, for her great idea, that basically made up the last chapter and this one. Thanks again =) I'll say more down the bottom (and I mean MORE…like heaps lol) ;) btw I know Jasper is a bit OOC in this…but oh well!**

**My Inspirational songs for this chapter are:**

**Doctor Doctor Gimmie the News, by Robert Palmer**

**Smooth Criminal, by Alien Ant Farm**

**New Born, by Muse**

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**Jasper's POV**

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I just stared at Emmett. Was he Crazy?? Had he finally lost it? Well he probably lost it a few years ago… but still. Making Rosalie horny was a death wish. Doing anything to Rosalie was a death wish. She would sometimes get pissy if we gave her a present. Like what the hell is up with that? It took me a minute to realise that Emmett and Alice where staring at me, waiting for an answer.

"So? Are you gonna help me out or what?" Emmett said, looking at me with puppy-dog eyes, and pouting.

"I don't know Emmett…. Rosalie would kill me." A few months ago it would have been sad for me to admit I was scared of Rose, but after the time when she bit Edward for saying that her shoes where ugly, we all agreed that she was a scary bitch at times.

"Err um Alice, could you help me out? Please please?" I turned to my pixie wife, who was trying to stifle a laugh. It wasn't entirely fare that she didn't help me out in situations like this. She knew what was going to happen once I decided on it. She might as well help me.

"Nope. Im not going to help. You have to figure out this one for yourself." She giggled. I just glared at her. Then turned to Emmett, who was still pouting.

"God Em, stop pouting." I sighed "Fine I'll help you.

"YES!!!! Thank you Jazzy Wazzy!!! You're the man!" Emmett was jumping up and down, and clapping like a lunatic, no, like a 5 year old. He ran out the room, still clapping. I turned around to Alice, who had an ominous look on her face. She was having a vision. Great. I wonder what's going to happen to me when Rosalie finds out. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to burn down my room. Or even worse. MR HUNNY-BUNNY! My beloved teddy. I started to get worried.

"Me too." I turned around to see Edward, standing at the top of the stairs, staring at us. "You do realise what you've just agreed too?" he continued, looking awfully smug.

"Well, what our other option? I know Emmett's staring to get on your nerves with his perverted fantasies. Just as he is staring to annoy me with his over powering horniness."

"Oh I know that. Im actually grateful. I'll keep an eye on Rosalie's thoughts, and give you a heads up, if she decided to kill your precious "Mr Hunny-Bunny"" He said sarcastically. Damn him. Alice suddenly burst out laughing. Her vision must have been amusing. To her. This was going to be very interesting…..

"Emmett! C'mon lets get this over with." I yelled. He was next to me, still smiling. "First you have to help me hide Mr Hunny-Bunny" I grabbed his arms and pulled him up the stairs.

Everyone thought it was stupid that I cherished a teddy bear so much. He was like my best friend. I mean yeah, he was missing an eye - which had a big black burn mark around it - his nose, and part of his ear but he was still perfect…. Emmett was responsible for the missing eye and burn mark. He got bored one day and decided to mess with a lighter…… Need I say more? Stupid hippie.

I ran to my room and picked Mr Hunny-Bunny up, I gave him a quick hug and gave him to Emmett. Who was trying not too laugh. He then held it up by the ear and held it away from his body. I looked at him, looking for an explanation. "So. Did you loose your virginity to this thing? Or what?" I heard muffled laughter from my nosy family members. I just stared at Emmett. Yes he had gone crazy. "What?" I asked glaring at him. "Well you love this damn thing so much…." he giggled. "No Emmett. Just help me hide it from Rosalie."

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**3 hours later**

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_Be calm Jasper. Calm. Calm. Calm._ Damn it. I wish I could change my own emotions.

Rosalie was due to be home in about 10 minutes. And I was totally freaking out. I just knew she was going to kill me. I will have to make her as calm as possible. I don't was to loose a limb. Or even worse, Mr Hunny-Bunny to loose a limb.

"Rosalie will be through the door in 22 seconds." Alice called. Oh dear god. The torture begins.

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**10 minutes later**

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"C'mon jazz! This is the perfect time. Rosie just had a shower, so she will be all wet and --" I cut Emmett off before he could finish, and that he could get even more hornier. Which I didn't think was really possible, since it was almost driving me insane. "Okay! I'll do it now. Just shut up and let me concentrate." I mumbled before concentrating really hard. Done. I looked over to Emmett, who looked really excited. "Thanks for helping me get laid man! If you ever need help, you can always ask me. Your such a good little brother!" I rolled my eyes and walked away. By the time I was half way down the stairs I heard Rosalie say, well scream, "Emmett! I need to have you right now right here!" Ewww. Well she hadn't clicked on yet. Thank god.

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**5 minutes later**

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"Jasper fucking hale! Get your ass in here now!" Rosalie screamed. Great. I sighed and got off the couch and ran upstairs into Emmett and Rose's bedroom. I had to stop myself from laughing when I saw, Rose holding Emmett by the ear. "Fuck Rosalie that hurts." he mumbled. "Your. Dead." she said to me through her teeth. "Um…. Im sorry?" I said with a pleading voice. "Your damn right your sorry." She snapped. "Oh and I took _care _of Mr Hunny-Bunny…."

"You did what?" I yelled.

"Well let me think…. First I dyed it pink…. Then put it in the oven… then threw it into the lake."

"You masochistic bitch!" then I lunged at her. Only to find myself in hand cuffs, next to Emmett, who was in the same situation as me. Rosalie was gone and back in a flash, but this time she held a pinky-black object. She threw it at me. It took me a minute to realise that it was, or used to be, my precious Mr Hunny-Bunny. But he looked more like a blob.

"I hate you, Rosalie." I mumbled, hugging what was left of my teddy.

"Do that again and it will be your garden gnome." She laughed.

No. Not Alford!!!

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**You guys are fucking amazing! I got 33 reviews, for my last chapter! that's what im talking about and as promised I made this chapter longer, and got it up faster =) I like this compromise… hehe could you guys help me get 35 for this chapter?? Please please! Lol The next chapter will be about Jasper's garden gnome and the rest of the Cullen's weird things…. Oh its gonna get dirty!**

**Please check out my best friends FanFiction and review! .net/s/4907099/1/21_things_that_the_cullens_cant_do**

**Love you all, and please review! and if you haven't already, please check out my other stories and review them too! lol **


	11. Garden Gnomes & Pet Rocks

**A/N: I cant believe im up to chapter 10 already! Its amazing, I would have never thought my story would get this far. Enjoy, and ill see you down the bottom lol =]**

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**Esme's POV:**

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"WE LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 3 DAYS!" I screamed "AND YOU END UP BEING AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS!"

Carlisle and I had gone away for 3 days to get away from all the chaos that we had all been through the last few weeks. The only way I agreed to do it was that Alice had seen nothing bad would happen. _But_, of course something did happen.

We were in the dining room, sitting down. All my _children _were looking at the floor, im pretty sure they were scared at what punishment I was going to give them. Jasper was the only one looking at me. He was in the corner of the room, away from everyone, and he was cradling what was left of his precious teddy bear. Now and then his eyes would flicker to Rosalie, who looked smug. I guess that wasn't something new.

"Your all in trouble! Except you dear Bella, from what I hear you weren't home when the little _incident _happened." Bella looked down, if she was able to blush she would have.

"Now your punishment is going to be fairly simple. If you do as I say. Were all going to have a family talk. If it goes horribly wrong because of something one of you said, then I will make the punishment a lot worse." I turned to Alice "Care to share what I have in plan for all of you if you misbehave?" Alice stared at me, wide eyed.

"She's going to sell our cars on Ebay…." Alice mumbled softly. I looked up to see them all glaring at me. I turned to Carlisle, who hadn't said anything about the mater, hoping he would get the message through.

"Your all going to have to tell one another your secret favourite item or obsession, meaning Jasper's is- _was-_ Mr Hunny-Bunny and Alford the garden gnome….Emmett why don't you go first." Carlisle said, ever so calmly. I didn't under stand how he could say things with so much authority and not get angry. He always seises to surprise me.

"Esme. Stop being so lovey-dovey about Carlisle. It extremely annoying." Edward threw his teeth.

I turned to Emmett, who had everyone looking at him. "Go on Emmett. Its your turn." I encouraged.

"I don't have one…" He whispered. Bella snorted and we all looked at her.

"You wouldn't dare, Bells!" Emmett said.

"You do have one…." She giggled. "When you guys went hunting and left Emmett and I here, I still don't know why, he got really bored…."

"Oh dear god. Did he get into my drug cabinet again?" Carlisle sighed.

"No. He didn't, I wouldn't let him do that. Again…." Bella said, looking down at the floor. It was only a couple of months into Bella's vampire life when we left her and Em alone, to go hunting. Bella was bored out of her mind and decided to dare Emmett to try some of Carlisle's experimental drugs. It didn't go down too well…

"I still remember when he thought he was Perry the Platypus…." Bella giggled before continuing, "and painted himself green and walked around the house in a brown hat humming the pink panther theme tune." We all burst out laughing.

"Oh my fucking god, Emmett loves Perry the Platypus!" Jasper, mocked. I got up and slapped him over the head.

"No swearing! Now since you decided to say what was on your mind, Jasper, Now you tell us all how you got Alford the Garden Gnome." Now this was going to be colourful.

********************Jasper's POV**

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_Stupid Esme….making me tell those savages….. _Edward laughed at that. I turned my head to him and glared.

"Oh you think that's funny, do you?" I mocked.

"Were hardly savages, at least we don't have garden gnome….." He laughed

"At least im not the one who has a baby blanket and takes it everywhere I go… and almost cried when i had to pack it away for when Bella stayed over!" Edward stopped laughing and everyone looked at me, then to Edward, and started laughing. Bella actually fell off her chair.

Edward turned to Bella and glared. "At least I don't have a pet rock." that only made me laugh harder. Our family was completely nuts. Well, not so much me…. I just have a garden gnome. Unlike Emmett and his Perry the Platypus, Edward and his blanket and Bella with a pet rock.

"Hey! You leave Bob alone!" Bella yelled. I saw Alice was bitting her lip to stop herself from laughing. Bella obviously saw that because she turned and gave her a death glare, lucky she's not Jane….

"You should talk! You have a Barbie doll that you constantly play with!" Bells yelled. I turned to Alice, looking for an explanation. "Alice! I told you to throw that think away."

Emmett cleared his throat, "Rosalie has Alice's old Barbie doll's head on some string." He laughed. "Remember we thought we lost it when we moved? Rosalie took it in spite!" Rosalie got up and slapped him over the head, then grabbed him by the ear, towing him away.

"You bitch!" someone screamed. It took me by surprise to realise that it was in fact from Alice.

Then it was silent……

**5 Minutes later…..still silence….**

"Where leaving. This was a bad idea." Esme said, shaking her head. She grabbed Carlisle's hand and they fled.

**Silence…….**

"So whats Bob like, Bells?" Emmett asked. Bella's eyes light up with excitement, I heard Edward sigh.

"Oh my Edward, he's amazing! He's like so much better than a dog…." She rambled on for who knows how long. I sat playing with Alford. I was playing with his hat when suddenly he was gone. I heard a crashing noise, and I looked up.

"I was talking and you completely ignore me for a stupid gnome!" Bella said, looking like she could cry, if that was possible. I looked to the floor and there was Alford. In pieces……

I dropped to the floor, and cradled what was left of his sweet face…..

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**First of all. Im so sorry for not getting this chapter up faster. I was sick with a throat infection last week, then I moved, then I couldn't find my internet cord. **

**You guys are so great! Thank you so much for all the reviews! 33! Wow.**

**For the poll on my profile - if you haven't voted yet, please do so- 63% are Team Edward, like me! XD 27% are Team Switzerland and 9% are Team Jacob!**

**Now…. Some bad news….**

**This story is on hold for 2-3 weeks. I don't know if im going to be able to update before that, but im going to try my best. Im just giving you some warning if I don't update soon. Sorry.**

**Love you all! Please please REVIEW!! I hadn't been online for 3 days, so when I checked my emails and saw all the review alerts, I was completely shocked. You guys make me so happy!**

**xxxx**


	12. Time to visit a therapist

A/N: Hey! Sorry it has taken me a while to get this up, but I did get it up earlier then I originally thought. And im sure your going to want to know _why _I skipped a year….so ill tell u once you have read it! There are hints though… Enjoy =)

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**Edward's POV: 1 year later…..**

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I was sitting on the couch when Rosalie came in, whilst grabbing Emmett by the ear. _Stupid moron……._ Rosalie thought. _Jasper is going to die…. Ooooo is that a cookie? _God Emmett was stupid at times.

I turned my attention to Rose, who looked really angry. "What did he do now? From what iv heard, Jasper is involved."

Apparently from the expression on Rosalie's face, she didn't know Jasper was fully involved. "That little weasel!" she yelled. "Jasper Hale! Get your ass down here NOW!!!"

I heard Jasper laughing from upstairs, though it wasn't from what Rosalie had said. It seems my family were becoming sex addicts. _Fantastic._ "I think Jasper is a little _pre-occupied…." _Emmett laughed, causing his angry wife, to slap him over the head.

That's when Esme came down. "Emmett, sit down now!" she yelled. Its been a probably a year since I have heard her yell like that. Luckily after that _one _incident, everything had gone back to normal.

For some reason Emmett was now on the floor. "Thank you Rose." My mother mumbled. She smiled in my direction, though her thoughts were still very angry at Jasper and Emmett.

"I want everyone down here now!" and everyone did as they were told, we followed Esme into the dining room, and gestured for us to sit. Once everyone had sat, Esme talked. "Rosalie, would you please share what your husband and brother did." Of course Rose was more than happy to help. _Stupid morons. _she thought. But before she could speak, Emmett laughed. "Oh my fucking god! Jasper has sex hair!" God, he _was _a moron. His words made Rosalie slap him over the head. "Damn it Rosalie! Could you stop doing that?!"He gave Rose a pathetic glare. "If you stop being such an idiot!"

"Emmett said he wanted to see me in a vampire costume, you know for role-play…. Anyway, he said it was a complete turn on so I did what he wanted. Once I did, Emmett took a photo and ran away. Then I find out Jasper dared him to do it.." Rosalie flashed Jasper a glare. "and that Emmett put the photo on _myspace!_" she yelled the last part loudly. That only caused Jasper and Em to laugh.

Carlisle buried his head into his hands, Alice pinched the bridge of her nose and Esme tried to talk calmly. "From what happened last year, I gave you all a warning. Do it again - anything remotely like it - and we _all _go to therapy again! **(Hint hint)** Thanks to your idiotic brothers, that's exactly what were going to do." Everyone glared at Esme, even - to my surprise - Carlisle did. Then the yelling began. "You have got to be kidding!" Jazz yelled, "Yes Esme, did you forget what happened last time?" Carlisle said. "I don't care for your excuses. Were _all _going to therapy" Esme turned to me then, "that includes Bella, Edward. You'll have to tell her when she gets back from Charlie's." Lucky Bella…. She didn't have to be here and deal with all of this. I wasn't looking forward to telling her, defiantly not after what happened last time. We were all silent for a long time, everyone was deep in thought. I left once it all became too much.

**The next day…..**

Bella arrived in the early hours of the morning. I ran up to her and hugged her tightly. "Welcome home, love." I whispered in her ear. "I missed you." she said as she kissed my neck. "And I you." I heard jasper and Emmett approach us, Em had missed Bella a lot. They were like two peas in a pod. I let go of Bella because Emmett was tugging on my arm to let go of her, he was pouting like a 6yr old. I was pretty sure Bella wouldn't be so happy to see them later….

After Bella said hello to everyone, we went back to our cottage. Now I had to tell her about or family therapy session.

"Errm, Bella. Jasper and Emmett broke Esme's rules again…" I whispered, afraid of the reaction I would get when I finally said the words. "so we all have to go to a family therapy session." Bella turned around and she stared at me. "Are you kidding me? There is no way in hell im going to therapy! Did you forget what happened last time?" she yelled. It was quite funny to see Bella angry, since she rarely was. It was even more amusing that she was yelling at me, something she _never _did. "Of course I haven't forgot. But Esme isn't going to drop this." We sat there staring at each other for a while, until Bella finally got up and sat on my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Im sorry I yelled at you, Its not your fault your brothers are incredibly stupid. It just that I don't want Emmett to bite me again." Stupid Emmett. "When are we going?" I sighed, "9am…today." Bella groaned, "Great…"

**9am - outside the therapist's office**

"I cant believe your making us do this." Alice mumbled to Esme and Carlisle. "He's the best physiologist in Seattle." Carlisle said. We decided to go to Seattle instead of seeing a therapist in Forks. Then Dr Palmer opened his office door and invited us in. _Let this nightmare begin. _Alice thought.

Once everyone had sat down, Dr Palmer spoke. "Hello everyone. First of I want to go around in a circle and discuss any problems you have with one another. Let's see, why don't you got first Edward?" _Great….. _I was bout to speak, when I had a wave of _hate _come over me.

"Well Esme, lets just say the real reason your so happy in the morning is not because _you have such great children._" I said, glowering at her.

Emmett burst out laughing, then screamed "Carlisle and Esme doing something naughty in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

First comes jumping off cliffs, then comes being turned painfully over the course of three days! Then comes your son reading your mind when your thinking naughty things!"

"Wow Emmett. Your quite the song writer." Esme said, sourly. Oh dear god. What did I just say? That's when all the yelling started. "Emmett's such a horny wanker all the time!" Alice screamed "At least I don't have loud sex!" Em yelled, who was now dancing. "Jasper keeps making me lust after Edward!" Bella yelled. Then we heard a bang.

Emmett had fallen over and hit the therapist on the head. "EMMETT! You could have killed him!" Carlisle yelled. He went over to exanimate the damage. Em had also taken a chuck out of the wall. "Luckily, its just a concussion. He wont be able to remember any of this, thank god." Carlisle said, calmly. "Err yeah.. that's what I meant to do…" Emmett mumbled. We all turned to Esme, "You will never make us come to therapy again." Alice warned. Thank god it was over. WAIT! didn't Jasper change my emotions to say that? Yes he did. I turned to him and lunged at him. We started rolling around, hitting each other, when I heard Emmett yell "Fuck, Bells! That hurt!" I saw him holding up his arm, where Bella had bit him. "What can I say, payback's a bitch." she said smugly.

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**Thanks for reading!**

**First of all, the reason I did it a year later: I was having trouble coming up with idea's and I started thinking that I would have to end the story, something I really didn't want to do. As you can tell I have said things in the story that give you hints of what happened. Doing so it has given me more idea's, so that I can continue this story.**

**Second: I have had a few PM's saying that this story should be rated 'M' not 'T' in my opinion this story is fine in 'T'….. but I want to know what you guys think?**

**Third: In 2 weeks I have school holidays again…. Meaning im hoping to update 3 times a week! ****J**

**REVIEW!!!**


	13. Family Therapy Session

**Hello Everyone! I hope you love this chapter! Yes, Bella is a tad OCC….**

**Oh yeah and Happy Easter!!!**

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**Edward's POV: 10 Month's earlier.**

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Walking to the cottage I heard Bella yelling. As I got closer I heard what she was saying. And I wish I hadn't. "Harder Emmett! Harder!!" She moaned.

Emmett and Bella? How is that possible? The love of my existence wouldn't hurt me like that, would she?

Confused, I opened the door and walked into our bedroom. Bella and Emmett where laughing hysterically, which caused Emmett to fall off the bed and onto the floor. "What's going on?" I asked, eyeing Bella. "Nothing." Bella said in-between giggles.

"Sure. Then why did I hear you _moaning?_" I said, glaring at Emmett this time. "Jasper bet us that we couldn't freak you out and we won!!" Emmett said, obviously without thinking because he clamped his hand over his mouth. "Em! You idiot!" Bella said, before hitting him over the head. "So your not cheating on me with that moron?" I asked, Bella. She gave me an apologetic look before getting off the bed and wrapping her arms around me. "Of course not, Edward. I could never do that to you. But I have to admit I did have fun freaking you out like that." She laughed. That's when it reminded me that Jasper was involved. "Tell me, where's Jasper?"

"He's watching a movie with Carlisle and Esme." With that said, I walked out of the house and went to find Jasper……

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**Bella's POV**

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After Edward had left, Emmett and I broke out in another giggle fit. "I cant believe me did that too him! And that he fell for it." I told Emmett after we managed to stop laughing.

"I know. I didn't realise Eddy-poo was that gullible!" Em laughed.

Emmett and I had become reasonably closer since I had become a vampire. We always got into trouble for doing crazy, insane things. Edward didn't like it when we had plans together, he always knew we would get up to something bad. But I was a vampire now. He shouldn't worry so much, I mean its not like im fragile anymore…well I kind of am, if you count the incident with Emmett, me and tequila…..

"Jasper! Get here you moron!" I heard Edward yell. He was obviously pissed with Jazz. "Oooh Eddy-poo is scary! Come help me Alice!" Jasper laughed. "Your going to wish you never made that bet with Bella and Emmett!" Edward Yelled back. Emmett started laughing again, and fell off the bed.

"Esme!! No! it was Emmett's fault, not mine! Oh yeah, and Bella's too!" That little rat! Jasper was ratting us out to Esme! Shit. Emmett was silent when she started to talk. When she get's angry its not a good time to be around her. "Do you think she's going to make us do another stupid sex talk thing?" Emmett whispered. "Probably. All thanks too _Jasper._" I whispered back.

"Bella. Emmett. Get your butt's out here now!" Esme yelled. Emmett and I both decided that it was better to do what she wanted. She normally got even more angry if we didn't. With a sigh we got off the bed, and ran to the house.

Esme was sitting at the end of the dining table, with Carlisle beside her. Everyone was already there, so that made Esme slightly more made….

"I want to know what happened. _Everything._" Esme said, sounding like she was about to kill someone. "Errm. Jasper bet Emmett and I if we could freak Edward out….and well, yeah." I decided it was better if I talked first. Knowing if Emmett was the one to talk, our punishment would be worse. The same goes for Jasper.

"Esme and I made a promise two months ago, that if your behaviour got worse, we would _all _go to therapy." That's when all hell let loose. Everyone was yelling, it surprised me to see Edward yelling. I just sat there, letting them get it out. I only heard parts of it, the rest I blocked out. I heard Jasper yell, "Were vampires for fuck sake! This is ridiculous!" Then Esme yelled for us to stop. "If you don't comply, then I will take the things you love most away from you! Understand?!"

Alice was the first to bail. "No Esme. Please don't take my credit cards away! I cant live without it." She was literally on the floor begging.

"I wont if you all do what im asking." Esme said, before walking away, "Be ready at 8am tomorrow morning." _Shit._

**The next morning…..**

We were all in the waiting room of Dr Moore's office. Rosalie was murmuring things under her breathe, Emmett looked like he was going to die of boredom, Jasper was glaring at me, Alice was all happy as usual, Edward was glaring at Rosalie, Esme was reading a magazine and Carlisle was continuously reminding us that this was a good thing to do. _Pssh sure!_

"Errm. The Cullen's please?" Dr Moore asked, before welcoming us into his office. Once we were all seated, the hell began. "Hi, im Dr Moore. First off why don't you all start by introducing yourself?" _Oh this was going to be fun…._

"Im Rosalie and I don't want to be here."

"Im Emmett and I love the telly tubbies! Especially Lala!" _Well that doesn't surprise me…._

"Errm. Im Jasper. Despite what people say" he paused and glared at Emmett "Im not Emo."

"Hiii! Im Alice. Im always happy and hyper. My passion is shopping!" Great now it was my turn.

"Hi im Bella. And im bored."

"Im Edward. I love playing Piano and I love listening to music."

"Hello. Im Esme. I love decorating and being a wife and mother."

"And im Carlisle. I love my job and my family."

The doctor looked at us like we were a bit insane. Wait until he hears the rest.

"Now im told that your all adopted, is that right?" Dr Moore asked. Carlisle answered politely "Everyone except Bella, who is Edward's wife." Now it was going to get interesting. This time the doctor looked shocked. "You two are married?" He asked us in disbelief. "Yes we are." Edward answered. "Okay… Um. Are the rest of you in any relationships?" Im sure the doctor would have a heart attack once he found out, I mean he freaked out over me and Edward being married, which isn't half as bad as what he was going to find out.

"Yes, they are. Emmett is with Rosalie and Jasper is with Alice. They are all married as well." Esme said proudly. Yep. My assumption. was right. Dr Moore looked like he was having a heart attack or brain aneurism. "Buuut your all siblings.." He said, stuttering. Carlisle jumped then, "I know it's a bit unethical. But it's not like they are blood relatives." Dr Moore still seemed dumfounded.

"Okay. Well I hear that your having a few family problems at home. Would you care to tell what they are?" Dr Moore said, looking at Carlisle. "Yes, well. My children are sex addicts. They cant seem to follow simple house rules. They keep making bets against one another. And the keep having sex around the house." Well all turned to him and glared. "Well lets talk about it. Who would like to go first and discuss problems your having at home?" haha. He is going to wish he never said that.

"Emmett keeps making bets with Jasper. My car is now _pink_ because of them!" Edward said. I remeber that bet. Em and Jazz got bored and decided to see what it took to piss Edward off the most. Jasper painted Edward's car and Emmett painted his piano. They both ended up having to buy new car's, since Edward drove there old ones into the lake.

"Rosalie and Emmett keep having sex in my car and bed." Carlisle said, glaring at them.

"Im not allowed to swear in my house! Im a fucking adult!" Jasper said, then Esme hit him over the head. "See!"

"Bella _"accidentally" _fell on Edward's piano and broke it. Then she blamed it on me!" Em yelled. That little rat! Edward was staring at me. Fine. I'll get my payback.

"Emmett wore Rosalie's favourite red dress and stripper heals down to Port Angeles, before getting arrested for being a male prostitute!" Everyone was silent after that.

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!" Esme and Rosalie yelled in unison. "You bitch!" Em yelled, before lunging at me. "Fuck Emmett, How much do you weigh?!" I said, trying to get him off me. "Im just carrying a little….holiday weight…" He murmured before grabbing my arm and biting it. "OW! BITCH THAT HURT!" I yelled. Venom stings like hell when you're a vampire. We turned around to see Dr Moore - who I think we all forgot about - staring at us. He walked over to his desk and picked up the phone.

"Anne? Reschedule my next appointments. Im going to be here a while."

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**Hope you liked it!**

**Please review! The amount of reviews im getting has gone way down and I wont write anymore if you don't review!! You can just say one word if you want, I don't care as long as you review! Lol**

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**Sorry I couldn't get this chapter up faster, just that Easter was hectic and I couldn't get on my laptop. Im hoping to update tomorrow!**

**Love you all! ~ Twilight-Kicks-Ass**


	14. Emmett the male prostitute!

**You guys are reviewing machines! Damn. 39 reviews for the last chapter!! Thanks!!**

**Hope you like this one =)**

**By the way, the "11 months ago" is not from the last chapter, but from where it was before.**

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**Jasper's POV: 11 months ago.**

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Emmett, Bella and I where completely bored. Everyone else had gone hunting, leaving us at home, with nothing to do. "How about we play truth or dare?" Em suggested. Playing _any _game was always a caution when it came to Emmett. He always either got too competitive or just stupid. But since we had nothing else to do. Why not. "Im in." Bella and I said at the same time. "Great! I'll go first." Em said. We all went into the living room and sat down.

"Bella, Truth or Dare?" Emmett asked. Bella thought about it for a moment before she answered. "Truth."

"Okay. Was it you or Edward that didn't want to have sex before you where married? He would never tell us and whenever we asked he just told us to shut up and go to hell." I laughed at that. Em and I had asked Edward about 50 times, and he always used to say the same old thing. This was going to be an interesting night.

"It was Edward. Or should I say _Mr Virtue_." Bella giggled, before we all joined in.

"'k my turn. Umm. Jasper, Truth or Dare?" Bells asked. I think dare would be a safe option right now. "Dare."

"Ring Alice and leave a voicemail and say "I cant wait for you to get back. So I can jump your bones!" Emmett and Bella burst out laughing, while I just glared at them. "Fine." I agreed, while walking to get the phone. I dialled the number and reached Alice's voicemail. "Hey baby. I cant wait for you to get back. So I can jump your bones!" I turned back to a still laughing Bella and Emmett. "I think this game should be just dare…. Its more fun." Em said. "Yeah fine." I agreed. "Sure." Bella said.

"Bella, I dare you to call Edward and leave the same message. But you have to add "I love the way you rub my ass, you have to do it again."" I laughed. Bells just stared at me with wide eyes. "Fine." She yelled. Bella grabbed the phone and dialled Eddy's number. "Hi Baby. I cant wait for you to get back, so I can jump your bones! I love the way you rub my ass, you have to do it again." Then she hanged up.

"Emmett. I dare you to eat an entire tub of Peanut butter." Bella said. Em wasn't going to be happy about that….. "Fine bitch!" Emmett yelled. He ran off to the kitchen and was back with a spoon and the tub of Peanut butter. He ate it in less than 30 seconds. "Why the hell do we have peanut butter anyway? Where vampires." I asked. It made no sense to why we would have it! "Err….." Emmett was suddenly feeling embarrassed, then horny. "EWW GROSS! Emmett that's disgusting!" I yelled at him, while moving to sit away from him. "You seriously lick peanut butter of each other? Damn, you guys are crazy." I said. Emmett started laughing, "Oh we do more that lick it off each other…." Bella started laughing hysterically.

After a few more goes, and disgusting things had been said, it was my turn. "Ok Emmett. I dare you to put on Rosalie's favourite red dress and stripper heels, then go stand on the side of the road in Port Angeles. See how many people try and pick you up." Bella and I started laughing, while Emmett looked horrified. But he ran upstairs and was back in 3 seconds, and what I saw just pushed me over the edge. There he was, in Rosalie's favourite bright red dress, stripper heels and to make him look even more ridiculous, a blonde wig. Though the dress didn't really cover….certain parts…..

"Lets go bitches." Emmett said before running out the front door. Bella and I followed him and sat in his jeep.

We drove to Port Angeles in complete silence, besides Emmett mumbling bad things under his breathe every so often. I told him that we needed to go to the Red Light district, it would be the best place for him to get picked up. We parked in a deserted car park before getting out. "Okay Em. Go stand on that corner. We'll wait here and watch." I said. Emmett started strutting his way - as if he was on a runway - to the street corner.

It took a mere 5 minutes before a white convertible pulled up. Bella and I where laughing are asses off when the man asked Emmett to hop into his car. We were laughing too hard to hear what Em said, but the man drove off. The next car was a black sedan. This time it wasn't your ordinary human. It was a police officer. "Sir, your under arrest for Male Prostitution." The officer said. Bella and I just started cracking up again. "What?! It was all there fault! Those pimps over there!" I heard Emmett yell. I stopped laughing and looked over. He was pointing at Bella and I. The officer instructed Emmett to get in the car, before running over to us. "You both have the right to reman silent. Anything you say or do will be used against you in a court of law." He handcuffed me and then Bella, then walked us over to the car where Emmett was.

**3 Hours Later…..**

We had been in the police station for over 3 hours now, and having to listen to a constant whining Emmett.

"ALICE! What the hell are you doing here?" Emmett yelled. I smiled at my beautiful pixie wife but I got a glare in return. "Im here to haul your ass' out of here! What the fuck where you thinking?!" Alice yelled. Jeez I have never seen her that angry before. "It was all his fault!" Em said, while pointing at me. "I know it was. Don't worry." Alice said, still glaring at me.

The officer came out and unhand cuffed us. "Alice…do you erm…promise not to tell the others?" Emmett said once we were outside. Alice turned around and glared for a moment before saying, "Only because I don't want Edward to find out what your planning on telling him if I don't comply. _Blackmailer…._" She murmured. Emmett smirked and we all walked to the car.

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**I hope you liked it!! Thanks so much for all the reviews I got for the last chapter! You guys rock! Last time I checked there were 299 reviews!! Omg I cant believe I have almost 300 reviews!!! xD**

**Now, I need some help! What do you think Alice did that she doesn't want Edward to find out about? Coz im kind of stuck on it!**

**As usual….Review!**

**Love you all!! xx**


	15. Carlisle has trouble getting it up!

**So I decided to go back to the therapists appointment. I wanted to reveal more secrets! Such as what Alice is hiding from Edward. Thanks so much to **_CobyCullen,_ **for your great idea's!**

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**Esme's POV**

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Yesterday was the day we all went and saw the therapist. And what a day it was. Against my children's will, I had made another appointment. I was prepared in the living room to tell them, I also had to tell Carlisle. When I told him my plans, he didn't think it was a good idea. But we did get a lot out on the table, and I personally think this will do some good. "Carlisle. Bella. Edward. Alice. Jasper. Emmett. Rosalie. Come here please." I called to them. Everyone but Alice and Edward, looked confused.

"I have come to the decision that it will be better for the entire family if we go to another therapy session. Again, none of you have a choice." After I was finished I heard Emmett mumbling things under his breathe. "Hey, don't think your off the hook with your little hooker incident. Or you, Bella and Jasper. If you don't comply ill make life a lot harder for _all _of you." I snapped. They all stared at me with wide eyes. "If you don't believe me, well then we will see what will happen." I turned my attention to Alice, who was having a vision. After a few seconds she snapped out of it. "Yeah…um I would listen to her. I see her taking all of our cars and…well burning them." Alice said, she seemed to be hiding something. That theory was confirmed when Edward said, "Why are you blocking your thoughts? Or do you always recite the national anthem in four languages?" Alice looked around the room, her eyes stopped on Emmett. "Sorry, I didn't mean to block my thoughts." What was she hiding? It was unlike Alice to hide things from the family.

**At the therapist's office……………..**

"I cant believe your making us go see Dr Dickhead again." Rosalie growled. Emmett was next to her, trying to get her to calm down. "Watch your language." I mumbled. "Err. The Cullen's would you please follow me?" Dr Moore said, he looked absolutely terrified. We all followed him into his office and sat down.

"Welcome back. I would like to touch on a few things that were mentioned on our last session. First of all, is there anything you would like to say or discuss later?" He said, while looking around the room. Emmett cleared his throat, before talking. "I have something I want to share with everyone, since my err…."incident" was told to every-" He was cut off by Alice yelling at him. "Don't you fucking dare! If you value your life, don't continue!" She threatened. She must have possibly saw something like this coming. Maybe that's what she wouldn't tell us. "Alice and Jasper had sex in Edward's car! Not once but 5 times!" Emmett screamed, he dodged the chair Alice threw at him and started laughing. "YOU DID WHAT IN MY CAR?!?" Edward yelled. "ALICE!" Jasper yelled.

This was a very bad idea.

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**Edward's POV**

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"YOU DID WHAT IN MY CAR?!?" I yelled, at my favourite sister. "ALICE!" Jasper yelled.

"You got that right Esme." I snapped, at what Esme was thinking. Everyone was quite for a moment. That moment was shattered when Alice leaped across the room and started slapping Emmett. Alice wasn't doing very good. Her dainty slaps just made Em laugh harder and harder. I decided to intervene. I pulled Alice off Emmett and sat her back down.

"How could you do that? _In my car?!_" I said, trying to calm myself. I suddenly had bursts of calmness wash over me. "Thanks Jazz." I murmured. "It's Rosalie's fault. She dared us too." Alice said, looking over to see Rose's reaction. "Bitch!"Rosalie yelled. "Oh shut up Rosalie." Alice said. "Well you should know that Bella and I had sex in your bed and closet. More than once." I said smugly. Alice's eyes widened. Then she leapt at Bella. "What the fuck Alice!? Get off me!" Bella yelled, though that did no good. Alice was trying to pull Bella's hair out and giving her dainty slaps. Bella lowered her shield and thought, _"Your not getting sex for 2 weeks because of this!" _Fantastic.

Dr Moore cleared his throat "Ladies, please. Sit back down, fighting with each other wont help this situation."

The thoughts of my family were starting to annoy me. _I could be playing my Xbox right now! Stupid Carlisle and Esme. _Typical Emmett. _I cant believe Dr Dickhead thinks this doing any good! Phss sure. _Rosalie of course.

_It was a good night…even though doing it in the front seat caused a bit of problems…. _"Jasper shut up!" I yelled. "I err didn't say anything….oh. Sorry." Jasper said.

_Hmm… maybe I should mess with Carlisle. That was we can get the hell out of here._ Emmett thought, but went back to singing the Wiggles.

**Silence…………………….**

"Carlisle came to Jasper, Edward and I about….._performance _problems."Emmett said, breaking the silence. "What!?" Everyone yelled. "Err well yes. But lets not talk about _that _now." Carlisle said.

"I think it would be better if you all left. But why don't you all come back tomorrow?" Dr Moore said, breaking the awkward silence. "Yes, I will get back to you on that after I talk to the rest of my family." My father said, while standing up and walking to the door.

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**Carlisle's POV**

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_Stupid Emmett…._ I cant believe her revealed that to everyone! But if he thinks he can get off with saying that, well he better think again. I'll get my revenge.

I walked back to my car and I heard the rest of my family giggling. I sighed and turned around. When I did that they all looked to the ground. "I'll tell you when we get home." I mumbled.

Once we got home to torture began. I went straight to my study and sat down. I closed my eyes and relaxed back into the seat. My peace was shattered when I heard Emmett clear his throat. I hesitantly opened my eyes and saw my family standing in front of me. "You promised." Rosalie said, looking awfully smug. She was enjoying this. "Fine. Before I start though, you should all know that Emmett has a sock puppet that he talks to and calls 'Sandy'" Everyone started laughing. "Your promised not to tell!" Em yelled. "Well you promised not to tell about our talk." I just got a glare in return. "Carlisle was having trouble getting it up!" Emmett yelled. "Emmett finds it arousing when I say 'open up'" Then it was silent……..

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**Im over 330 reviews now! That's amazing. I love you, my little review crew! Lol =D**

**Sorry if there are spelling, grammar mistakes, Beta was offline.**

**For the next chapter I'll more into Carlisle's 'Problem' but again, if you want anything in the next chapter, even if it's a line or anything at all, ill work it in!**

**REVIEW!!! xD**

**Love you all! xx**


	16. Wanna Play Doctor?

**Chapter 15.… woo!!! lol**

**Sorry about the delay.**

**Thanks to, **_LunarEclipse1, _**for your great idea I hope you liked what I did with it!**

**For those who asked, Renesmee doesn't exist. I considered it when I first started, but it would have been to complicated to have her in it.**

**For all the Jasper & Alice lovers, this chapter is in there POV's xD Enjoy!!**

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**Jasper's POV**

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You have got to be fucking kidding me. It had been about 10 minutes since anyone had said anything after Carlisle had screamed _"Emmett finds it arousing when I say 'open up'"_

Alice was still glaring at Edward. "Alice please shut up." Edward said, responding to something Ali was thinking. "Don't tell me to shut up you mama's boy!" Alice was never one to yell, especially at her favourite brother.

Silence came again.

"Esme came to us with sexual problems." Rosalie suddenly said. Oh dear god. This day couldn't possibly get any worse!!

"I did not!" Esme snapped.

"You did too." Bella said.

"Did not."

"Yes you did Esme." Alice said.

"Your all doing to pay for this." I heard Esme murmur.

It was silent again. Suddenly Carlisle stood up and ran upstairs. The rest all followed him. I guess they weren't going to let him get out of this. Or Esme for that matter. I decided to join them. It might get interesting, as long as Emmett doesn't start getting horny all of a sudden.

Carlisle was sitting at his desk with Esme at his side. "We will explain to you what happened. Esme can go with the boys and ill go with girls. We are only going to do this if you all decide to behave yourselves and go to another family therapy session. Got it?" My father was looking rather irritated. Not something that can easily be done. "Hell yeah!" Em agreed. Could he _be _anymore childish? Emmett grabbed Esme by the arm, picked her up and ran down stairs. Edward and I followed him.

We all crowded the lounge and Esme took a seat in front of us. "Okay. Carlisle was working late nights and I was starting to worry that he was doing it to get away from me," She looked down, clearly embarrassed for thinking such a thing, "so I went to Bella, Alice and Rosalie for some help…"

"What kind of help?" Emmett interrupted. He was either stupid or trying to force her to say it. I was leaning more to _stupid._

"If you listen then you will find out." Esme snapped. "I went to them for some advice. Which ended up with us going to a…erm.. Sex shop." Emmett started laughing "and you tell me not to go into those shops and look what you go and do!"

"Shut up Emmett." Edward said. "No not stop talking. Stop singing in your head "_Jizz in my pants" _over and over again! You have no idea how irritating it is."

"_Pansy." _Emmett murmured.

"_Man whore."_

"_Mr Virtue."_

"_Lesbian."_

"_Twit"_

"SHUT UP! Both of you." Esme yelled. "Anyway. We went shopping for lingerie and erm _toys…_ I basically seduced Carlisle. It turned out he wasn't working late to get away from me, just that he wanted to get away from all of _you._ Because all you do is bitch about one another and fight." She briefly glared at us, before continuing. "Im going to go now. I'll see you all later. And if I decide to get away from all of you, then ill see you tomorrow. At the therapist's office." With that said she started to walk away. "Esme! You have to tell us exactly what happened at the sex shop. It's only fair!" Emmett yelled. My mother suddenly stopped walking, growled but looked back at us. "Fine." She took her seat and glared at us for a moment.

"It all started on a Saturday afternoon…."

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**7 month's ago**

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Rosalie drove Alice, Bella and I into Port Angele's. I didn't realise where we were going until we pulled up outside _"Kinky Times"_ They are not making me do this. I said I wanted help, I didn't realise they would take me to a porn shop. I just thought they would talk to me. But of course they do the opposite thing I think off.

Alice and Rose hopped out the car, while Bella tugged on my arm, trying to get me to follow. "C'mon Esme! It will be fun! Trust us." I sighed and decided that I might as well do as they say. Life would probably be easier if I didn't piss off Rosalie and Alice. With that said I got out of the car and walked with them.

Once inside Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me to the back row. That's when I wished I never had asked them to help me. Alice was holding up a French maids costume. "No way in hell." Alice rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm. She handed my the costume and pushed me into a change room. " I already know Carlisle's going to love it!" That's not always what you want to hear from your daughter. Rosalie then threw 2 more items over the change room door. Oh my god. It was a white lacy bra, garter and a thong. "No way in hell am I wearing this! Are you insane?!" I yelled. "Carlisle will looove it…" Alice sang. "You either wear it or we'll take to the '_electronics'_" Rose threatened. I decided to try the 'outfit' on. I didn't want to go anywhere near the 'electronics'. Once I was in it - I didn't even look in the mirror, I was too scared too - I stepped outside to show them. "Wow. You look great! You so have to buy that." Alice squealed. Bella rolled her eyes before picking up a nurse outfit. "Im sure Carlisle will be more than happy to play "Doctor" with you" These girls where really trying to kill me. I snatched the outfit and tried it on.

3 Hours later and five slutty outfits, we decided to go home. Well Rosalie, Alice and Bella decided it was time to go home. I wanted to leave as soon as we walked through the door.

"Now Emmett loves it when I nibble his ear. Maybe you should try that with Carlisle." Rosalie said once we were in the car. "Jasper loves it when I do role-play." Alice joined in. "and Edward loves it when I suck on his neck." Im so glad Bella said neck. "Maybe you try rubbing his…" I cut Rosalie off before she could continue. "Im not having this conversation with you. Now drop it." Then we sat in silence. "What about a blow job then?" Rosalie continued. Oh dear god. Why did I ever go to them?

**-------------------**

**Present Time**

**-------------------**

…."And im sure you can guess what happened next. Im leaving now. Goodbye my perverted son's." Esme said, glaring at us, before walking away. Well that was… different…and scarring. I wonder how the girls are holding up…

**-----------------**

**Alice's POV**

**-----------------**

"WHAT?!" Bella yelled. I was reasonably bored considering I already knew what had happened when it had originally happened. "I said, Emmett was threatening to call Aro and ask him to visit me for my birthday. And you all know about Aro's feelings…" Carlisle drifted off. Aro had a big crush of Carlisle. When I found out I was paralytic with laughter. "So then Emmett said I had to not have sex for 2 weeks or he would do that. So I thought, not having sex or having Aro come over and try to dry hump me again. That's when I came to the conclusion of choosing not having sex."

"So you weren't having performance problems?" Rosalie asked. Carlisle looked down to the ground and I burst out laughing. "After that Carlisle was having trouble because he kept thinking about Aro dry humping him!" I managed to get out, while still laughing. "Keep talking Alice and I'll tell Esme about you and Jasper's little romp in the kitchen…" Shit he was serious. I could see him telling her and then her yelling at me and taking away my credit cards.

"_You and Alice had sex in the kitchen?" _I heard Emmett say. SHIT! No. Esme would have heard him!! "Alice , Jasper. Where going to talk about this tomorrow! And by the way all of you are going to have couple sessions. Feel free to blame Alice and Jasper." Esme yelled. Fantastic.

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**Im really sorry for the delay in updating. Life just got hectic last week and I was having problems with my laptop.**

**Sorry if there are mistakes.**

**You guys are so damn awesome when it comes to reviewing!! 42 reviews for the last chapter!! Omg. Thanks so much!!**

**PLEASE send me some ideas for the next chapter!! I need them!!**

**You should all know a certain Jacob Black will be appearing in the next chapter! Dun dun dun! Lol But im going to make him nice Jacob and not irritating, annoying "I want to throw you off a cliff" Jacob. Lol Also more about Aro and the "dry humping" incident. xD**

**REVIEW MY LOVELY PEOPLE!!**

**I love you all**

**xx**


	17. Kinky Car Wash?

Heyy!! SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!! Thanks so much for all the reviews! Cant believe its up to 400 now. XD

Here is Jacob for you! Thanks to, _**CobyCullen & TeamSparkelFleas, **_**I hope you like what I did with your ideas.**

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**Bella's POV**

**-----------------**

"Jacob! Just get in the damn car!" I screamed at him. Jake had become part of the family and it only seemed fair that he got stuck going to therapy with us. "Hey! Get off me!" I turned around and saw Emmett carrying Jacob to the car. _"Stupid leech."_

Esme had this bright idea that we should all have couple therapy as well as family therapy. I could already tell that this was going to be terrible. But we all had a plan. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I were going to get Carlisle in trouble with Esme and vice versa.

I turned to the car and saw Emmett and Jacob sitting next to each other in the car. Em was hitting Jake with his colouring book and Jacob was threatening to kill his sock puppet. They were sort of best friends, but they fight a lot.

**Therapist's office….**

"Emmett just sit in a chair, on your own!" Jasper yelled. Em was so convinced that Jake was going to kill his sock puppet that he refused to sit anywhere but on Jacob's lap. Carlisle and Esme just shook there heads. Dr Moore came out then, "Hello all. Today we're going to be doing couple sessions then at the end a family session. First I would like Rosalie and Emmett." Wow. That should be…fun.

**--------------------**

**Emmett's POV**

**-------------------**

Stupid Jakeypoo. Has to be mean and threaten to kill my sock puppet and sit on my lap. Dr Moore called us in then. Great. A couple therapy session really sounded like fun.

"Hello Rosalie and Emmett. How are you both today?" Dr Moore asked. I found it hard to believe that he was so calm around us. I mean were all a bunch of nuts. In some ways he reminded me of Carlisle. Always so calm and easy about everything. "We're good, thank you." Rosie said. God how much I want her right now…. _"Stop thinking that Emmett! I swear to god I'll get Jacob to kill your sock puppet." _Edward whispered, way too low for the Doctor to hear. "Fine. Spoil all my fun." I mumbled back.

"Okay so today I wanted to talk about some of the issues you two are having. Emmett why don't you go first?" Oh fucking fantastic. Rosalie shot me a glare. This was going to be interesting.

"Um. Well Rosalie keep's thinking im cheating on her. And it's starting to get annoying." I murmured. I didn't look up, I was too afraid at the look Rosalie was giving me. "Now, Rosalie why do you feel that way?" Doctor Moore asked. I heard Rosie mumble _"Dr Dickhead"_

"Because he's so gorgeous! And girls are always hitting on him."

"Rosalie get's violent when she think's I've been unfaithful. She verbally abused me the other week."

"Ok… Could you care to elaborate what happened the other week?" Dr Moore asked.

"It happened two weeks ago…."

**~ ~ Flashback ~ ~**

"Hurry up Emmett!" Bella yelled. We decided to have some fun with Edward's car. And by fun I mean we drove it into the lake near our house. I hopped out of the car and ran to the house with Bella.

"Ali, Can you give us some help?" I asked my pixie sister. "He'll be home in 2 minutes. He knows and yes he is planning on killing you." How the hell does she say shit like that so calmly?! "Bells! C'mon, let's go hide from Eddypoo." I took her hand and we ran us stairs to hide. We decided to hide in Carlisle's office. Edward couldn't do too much damage in there unless he wanted to get yelled at by Esme.

I was hiding under Carlisle's desk when suddenly the desk wasn't there anymore. Edward was standing above me, holding up Carlisle's desk. Shit. "Hiya Eddypoo!" "Shut up Emmett. You and Bella go get my car out of the lake and get it washed. Understand?" Edward growled. Ahhh. Washing car's is so not fun. "fine." I mumbled before sulking off.

Bella and I pulled up into the local Car Wash place. It was a drive through one, which looked super cool! A guy, Jason, in the next lane explained to us what to do. It seemed fairly easy. I drove up into the car washer thing and water started to come on. "EMMETT! You left the windows down you idiot!" Bella yelled. Fuck. If the car wasn't already wet inside… it certainly was now. It got even worse when we went through to the thing that puts soap over the car. "Oh my god. Edward is going to kill us." I turned to Bella and laughed. The soap was all in her hair, making it stick up. "Oh you think that's funny do you?" Bells said with a weird smug smile on her face. I nodded, but as I did that she threw soap all in my hair. We both started giggling like mad. "Hey! We have our own bubble bath!" I exclaimed. The car had so much water and bubbles in it that it actually looked like a bath. Bella turned around at me and we both started laughing. "It looks like you got violated!" she laughed. "You have sex hair!" I said, pointing to Bella's hair, which was sticking up.

We drove into the garage to find Edward. We rolled down the windows and saw how pissed and confused he was. He glared at Bella for a moment then rolled his eyes. "Idiots." he muttered before walking off. That's when Rosalie came in.

We both got out of the car and she looked so pissed. "What have you been doing?!?" She screamed at me. But then she turned to Bella and glared. "You skank." Rose yelled. Bella rolled her eyes and left me alone with her.

"EMMETT BELLA! GO CLEAN MY CAR!" Eddypoo yelled. Oh man! Not only was I going to get verbally abused by Rosalie but I had to wash stupid Edward's car!

**~ ~ End Flashback ~ ~**

"And yeah…" I finished looking like a complete idiot. _"Oh there's something new." _Edward murmured from the waiting room. "O…k… That will do for now. Could you please stay seated while I call the rest of your family in?" Dr Moore asked, though he left anyway.

**------------------**

**Jacob's POV**

**------------------**

"Stupid bloodsucker reek." I mumbled. You would think after this long that I would be able to stand the smell. But no. Of course not. The therapist called us in then, this was going to be living hell. I got up, walked into the office and sat back down again. Right next to Blondie. I smirked at her when she saw me. God how much I…..

"Hello All. Its nice to finally meet you Jacob," Dr Moore interrupted my thoughts. ", not do any of you want to get anything off your chests?" He looked around the room and then stopped on Jasper who had his hand raised. "Yes Jasper, what would you like to share?" Jazz smirked at me then stood up. "Jacob was a huge crush on Rosalie! He has pictures of her all on his bedroom wall."

"YOU WHAT?!?" were the last words I heard.

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**Im so sorry about the delay in updating! I feel awful. But I hope you liked the chapter. If you have any questions please PM me, it's the best way to contact me.**

**The name **_Jason _**Is the name of a great fan of this story! XD**

**Please review!! xxx**


	18. Emmett's Mentally Retarded

**I'm Back!!!... well for now anyway :) I'm really happy that your going to have a chapter to enjoy. Well hopefully lol. It has a slow start btw, it does get better though XD  
P.s. I can't believe all the support this story has received, its amazing. Almost 500 reviews! That's unbelievable! Its such an amazing feeling, giving people joy. But also it gives me joy, i have so much fun writing for you all. Anyway, I'm rambling lol. Enjoy :)**

**~ Emmett's POV ~**

Fuck you all. That's all that was going through my head. Well, actually Rosalie in a bikini was what was going through my head. I heard Eddie growl under his breathe. Its amazing how easily he gets pissed off. I smiled in his direction, causing him to glare back at me.

Stuck in this tiny cell, with Rosalie, Eddie, Bella, Jasper and Jacob was extremely fun. Yeah, as if. I went back to fantasizing about Rosalie in that tiny.. red bikini... "Shut the hell up Emmett!" Eddiepoo yelled. "Why don't you ALL shut up." Bells murmured. Edward sat back down.

"You know, Esme and Carlisle are going to kill us when they get here." Jasper said. So true. Not only had we ended up getting ourselves into jail, but we broke Dr Moore's leg. Well, Jake did when Rosalie knocked him to the ground... Wait. That means it was Rosalie's fault... well.. "Emmett! Can you please shut up for 5 minutes! And yes it was Rosalie's fault." Edward yelled, again. Rose turned and glared at Eddie. "I think its actually Carlisle and Esme's fault. There the ones who made us come to therapy. And lets face it, its don't nothing but cause us more problems." Bells was right no that, i mean we had been getting into so much trouble since we started therapy.  
"I'm blaming it all on you," I glared at everyone across the room, "I wasn't involved but somehow, i end up stuck in here with you lot. By the way, where the hell is Alice? how did she get out of this?" It just wasn't fair! Alice was the only one who wasn't stuck in here with us. They where all staring at me, like i was forgetting something obvious...... "Oh yeah! Alice would have seen what was coming... that explains it. Lucky lilt pixie." Edward rolled his eyes, Rosalie went back to glaring at Jake and well, Jake went back to doing nothing.

3 Long Hours Later...

"Where the fuck are Carlisle and Esme?! I'm going insane!" I complained. We had been stuck in this tiny cell for 4 fucking hours! That's when Jake snapped. "YOU think your going insane?!? I've got blond bimbo glaring at me, bloodsucker growling at me and YOU COMPLAINING ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!" Jacob yelled. Someone cleared there throat from behind us. We all turned to see Alice. "Maybe i should come back..." She mumbled. My eyes went wide and i got on my knees in front of her and begged. "Don't leave me here!! I'm going crazy!" I gave her my best, irresistible, look. "Fine! just stop pulling that face!" Ali rolled her eyes, but went to get us out.

**~ Alice's POV ~**

Well, my vision was right. Emmett was going absolutely insane. Though, in my new vision, Emmett was ended up trying to kill Jake... Bella would kill me if i let that happen. Carlisle and Esme refused to pick them up, so of course i have to. I'm the only one who was smart enough to get out of there before the cops showed up. But, i couldn't get my Jazzy out in time, so I'm pretty sure he's going to be pissed at me. Hopefully not though.

"Come on criminals," I giggled "Lets get home. Esme and Carlisle can't wait to see you all." I heard them all sigh. "Fuck that! I'm gonna make a run for it!" Emmett yelled, before running off. I rolled my eyes. He was only wearing one shoe and his shirt was torn. Great. I got into the car with my family, and drove off.

At Home....

"Your lucky your father isn't home. Because, believe me, you would wish you never came home if he was here. And- wait. Where's Emmett?" Esme stopped half sentence, well half yelling. I looked around the room to find my siblings all looking at me. Of course. Alice comes to the rescue once again. "Fine then, ill tell her." Edward said, obviously pissed at my thoughts. I smiled and went to sit next to jasper. We all sat down and faced our mother.

"Well, Emmett decided not to come home because he's scared at what your going to do to him." Edward said. Esme shacked her head and went back to yelling at us. "Do you have any idea how much trouble your in? Now Jacob, your just as much part of this family and you agreed to come to therapy with us. So your going to be punished too, sorry dear. It just wouldn't be fair to my other criminal children. For the rest of you, I need to think for an appropriate punishment and i want to wait until your brother comes home. Ill talk to you in the morning." With that said, Esme went to her bedroom.

A sudden feeling washed over me. A vision. ".God." Edward and I said at the same time. "EMMETT! GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!!" Esme screamed from the hall up stairs. Emmett came bounding down the stairs, though this time he was only wearing pants and was covered in leaves. Jasper and Jake burst out laughing. "Dude. You look like you got violated in the forest." Jacob laughed. Everyone immediately turned to Rosalie. "Hey! I've been here the whole time!" Everyone ignored that, because Emmett held up a CD. No. JUST NO! I'm leaving before i become anymore scared. I grabbed Jazz's hand and ran upstairs, and away from that tape.

**~ Jake's POV ~**

What the hell was Emmett onto? and why did he look like he was just having sex in the bushes? This family is unbelievable crazy.  
"Emmett. What's on the tape?" Bella asked, though she said it really slowly as if Emmett was mentally retarded, which he probably is. "It's a sex tape!" Holy shit, this family was not only crazy but perverted. Eddy sighed and buried his face in his hands. "If you play that tape, i swear to god, I'll kill you." Edward treated. Bella and I looked confused, my theory of it being a sex tape of Bells and Eddy vanished. "Sweetie, what is it?" Bells murmured to her husband. I shivered at the word. "Its of Carlisle and Esme." Everyone was silent. "I'm going to kill you Em!" Esme yelled. "Now i have blackmail against them!" Emmett chuckled.

Esme came down the stairs slowly, to see us waiting for her. Though she wasn't alone. The doctor was with her this time. They sat down in front of us, without saying a word. "This is how its gonna work. Where never doing therapy again. EVER. If you make us do it again, then your kinky sex life wont be so private anymore." Not a bad plan at all. Esme just glared. "Go ahead." Dr Cullen said. Wait. WHAT?! did he just say what i thought he said? Emmett looked in disbelief but ran upstairs and brought his laptop down.

WHAT THE FUCK. Where the only words going through my head.

Emmett uploaded the disk and put it onto YouTube. He labelled it: "Dr Cullen, the porn king. (Who likes handcuffs)"  
He hit play. I couldn't look so i just looked down. But to my surprise, Everyone laughed. I cautiously looked up. Emmett was officially and idiot. On the screen was him and Rosalie. He had uploaded the wrong tape. "YOU IDIOT!" Rosalie yelled and hit Emmett across the head. I stood up and just walked out. "Where do you think your going Jake?!" Esme yelled from inside. I walked back in with a confused face. "Your punishment." Aww man! I walked back in, sulking.

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**I Hope you liked that! If not, sorry. Spelling mistakes, im sorry if there are some. I did my best correcting, but i don't have spell check.  
Again, I'm not sure when the next update will be, but I'm hoping the same time next week. An added bonus will be that i have all week to type up the chapters :D meaning next week, i should be uploading at least 3 chapters. Hopefully that can happen. REVIEW!!! Love you all. :)**

**P.S What do you think of the New Moon trailer?! I think its amazing! XD lol**


	19. Carlisle bribes a cop?

**I'm back!!**

**I'm so sorry for the lack in updates but now that I'm back I'm so happy to be writing for you all again! I'll try to update once a week but it depends on how busy I get.**

**Enjoy the chapter!! *Hug***

xx

**

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****~Esmes POV~**

"You end up in jail. JAIL!" I screamed at my children. Everyone turned and glared at Emmett.

"Hey, its not just Emmetts fault. You're ALL at fault." Emmett smiled, almost smugly.

We were sitting in Carlisle's office; Jake and Emmett were sitting on the back wall against a bookcase. Edward was sitting on a chair, with Bella on his lap. Jasper and Alice were the same. Rosalie was standing next to me, I was holding her back so she wouldn't try to castrate Emmett. Again.

Carlisle entered the room then, holding several large files, he sat at his desk and waited for everyone to be quite.

"What are the files for?" Emmett asked, just as Carlisle was going to speak.

"As I was going to say, these are all of your police files." A gasp went through the room.

"Man, I never thought you to be someone who would use a bribe. You seem to surprise me all the time." Emmett of course.

"Really Emmett? Because you seem to surprise ME all the time," He paused and opened the largest file in front of him.

"Nine accounts of public nudity, three accounts of male prostitution, two accounts of being a pimp and about three hundred accounts of being an idiot." I had to cover my mouth to stop laughing and Edward coughed to hide his laugh.

"You're such a dumbass." Alice giggled.

"Oh really? You wanna come say that to my face? Huh, you lil pixie rapist!"

"First of all Emmett, I am looking at you, meaning I'm saying it to your face. Second, I'm not a rapist."

"Oh yeahhh, that's Jasper. He's the one who-"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Alice yelled and flung herself at her bear of a brother.

Everyone just stared. We were all confused. It was funny though when Alice started slapping Emmett.

"Hey! Anyone mind to help me?!"

"And miss an opportunity to see a girl, who in fact is half your size, beat you up? I dont think so." Edward chuckled.

''Ow! That fucking hurt!'' Emmett yelled as Alice bit his arm.

''Jasper dressed up and-'' before he finish Alice put both her hands and covered Emmett's mouth.

''If you say it, I swear to every god there is, that I will kill you... On the other hand, maybe just release that sex tape of you and Rosalie.'' she smiled and went to sit with Jasper.

''There's _another_ tape?!'' Rosalie screamed. I buried my head into my hands and mentally sighed.

"Emmett, have some respect for your wife. Go sit in the corner!'' I growled at him, getting a weird look from my family.

''_Mom,_im not a kid, you can't tell me what to do.''

"Maybe I wouldn't treat you like a child if you didn't act like one all the time!'' I glared at him and he glared back. However, he gave in and sat in the corner. I took several deep breaths before speaking, otherwise I would have ended up screaming my head off at everyone. I doubt they would be happy with me if I did that, Emmett would accuse me of 'PMS-ing'. On that note, I really need to talk to him about that…

"I know you all hate Emmett right now. Im not that fond of him at this time. But we all need to get over that. So, I propose-" I stopped mid-sentence because Alice threw a book at my head.

"Alice! What did you do that for?!" I yelled. She glared at me, while everyone else looked absolutely shocked.

"Esme, you know I love you and I am sorry for… Throwing the book… But I just can't deal with what you're proposing. Im beyond SCARED at what I've foreseen to happen with your little 'proposal', I mean I've seen some bad stuff in my time but-." she shuddered.

"Oh c'mon lil sister! You know I couldn't help what happened! I was really hard and I doubt you wanted to see me walking around with my dick pocking out like a tent!" Oh dear god. I didn't need to hear that from Emmett.

Alice's mouth hung open and she looked like she was about to have a stroke.

"That's not what I was talking about!! Edward was the one who saw you doing that! Not me! Ewww!" Alice shuddered and Edward buried his head in his hands and groaned

"…Hard… Tent!…" Jacob burst out laughing and Bella soon joined in.

It was like raising a bunch of monkeys.

**~Jacobs POV~ -Several Hours Later-**

The little talk we had with Esme was probably the funniest thing I've ever experienced! Well, besides the time when Emmett got stuck in one of Blondie's wedding dresses. I heard Edward laugh at that thought, he found it hilarious too, even took a couple photos for blackmail.

So here I am, sitting in the living room minding my own business when I smell something delicious… Someone's cooking!!

I take off and run to the kitchen, hoping to get there before Seth does 'cause he's got a huge appetite and would eat anything he got his hands/paws on.

And then I saw it. Probably the most beautiful pie that has ever existed. Man, did it smell good!

I ran over and picked it up, studying it carefully. "Seems pretty safe…" I mumble to myself before devouring the whole thing within two minutes.

Wait… Whats that weird taste? Tastes like… oh god. I run over to the bin and open it. Yup. I was right. Dog food.

"BLOODSUCKER!!" I scream. Im going to kill that blonde bimbo. Yer its not the first time she's put dog food in something I've ate. Like there was that time with the birthday cake, I thought she was being nice and yep I ate it all. Then there was the muffin, the dog-food-stake, the dog-food-kebab…

Blondie came in then, looking all innocent like she had no idea what happened.

"Yes darling Jacob?" Bitch was totally guilty! I pulled out one of the mangled tins and threw it at her head, getting some lovely gravy crap in her hair. I smiled at her.

She looked like she was having an embolism. "..!" She screamed. Wow that's original.

"Later Blondie! Have fun with that! Maybe you should go outside and get eaten by a bear." I grinned at her before hiding in my room. Okay, so, I wasn't scared of her or anything.. Okay, maybe I was but c'mon! the blonde bitch is crazy as all fuck.

"Wow, scared of a girl.. that's so manly Jacob, maybe you should consider taking up knitting instead of the whole _'werewolf' _act." A voice came from outside my room. I knew that voice all too well. Stupid Eddy.

"I'm not scared of her, I'm just worried about my manhood, I don't want my royal jewels becoming tomorrows addition to spaghetti." I shuddered "You would know that dearest Edward if you had any balls to loose in the first place. I really feel for Bella, poor thing, must be hard having a dude without any balls. You see, if she was lucky enough to have a stud like me, and if you don't mind me saying, I can go all night, despite the fact that.. I have problems with chewing things.. And just so you know, I refuse to buy a muzzle." I laughed when he said nothing. "You're a fucking pussy Eddy, you know that?" I said as I opened my door, expecting to see a really pissed Edward but.. Getting a pissed off Esme and Bella.

"Uhh.. I was just resiting a play.. Haha.. Err.." shit. They looked extremely unconvinced. But eventually Esme smiled and laughed quietly.

"Ah, boys will be boys.. Jacob, dearest, we count you as a member of this family, so that means you are more than welcome to join our family getaway this weekend, it'll be good fun!"

"Awesome! Where are we going?!" Hell yeah! A holiday! I seriously need to get away from Seth, I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the kid but he can be slightly annoying at times. Leah's also pissing me off. More so than normal.

"We're going to England! doesn't that sound like fun? Carlisle has a few friends there and they have invited us to go stay with them. It's going to be so much fun! We're leaving tomorrow at dawn, so be ready darling." She hugged me gently before running off. That left just me and Bella.

"You have no idea what you just got yourself into." Bella said quietly.

"..What..?"

"It's a trick," Bella sighed. "It's going to be hell, that's for sure and it'll-" she was interrupted by a scream coming from downstairs.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" Emmett screamed, "No sex for two week?! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Shut up, Emmett! God."

"Alice, mind your own business!"

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Bring it bitch!"

"JAZZY WAZZY!"

Man. This was going to be interesting

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***Grin* hope you guys liked the chapter! I'll update as soon as I can.**

**REVIEWS = COOKIES!! XD**

**xxx**


	20. I'm back for good my darlings :D

Guess who's back my darlings! :] expect a new chapter by next week! Love you


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